our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Saturday, July 26th - 4:00 PM-9:00 PM

Happy Hour @ Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's)

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Aug 1 - 5:30PM-9:00PM

The Oak Tavern, $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
ADVICE IN BROKEN ENGLISH
  • Comments
  • Eke Onguaunke home
  • Related Stories
  • Email To Friend

Dear Eke - Do you have any landscaping tips?

Eke say: Make lawn and garden nice important job need many skill.  In Malaysia, outside of Eke hut always look good.  Dirt always nice and smooth with no clump thanks to Eke work lawn tool.  Too hot to make grass grow for lawn, but lawn tools make dirt look nice too.


You need make yard look good to make neighbor smile at you.  If yard not look good, neighbor make bad face when see you and then at night, neighbor come and throw garbage at your door.  Garbage make things look even worse than grass not cut or bush trim.  You need make neighbor happy so he keep garbage in own house. 


Always make grass stay short with lawn mowing machine.  You get lawn mowing machine in many styles.  There is lawn mowing machine that you push, there is lawn mowing machine that you ride on top, and there is lawn mowing machine that you marry and call your wife.  You don’t push wife lawn mowing machine.  You mostly don’t sit on wife lawn mowing machine either.


If you don’t have wife or other kind lawn mowing machine, you get animal to keep grass low.  Cow eat grass and keep grass low.  Goat eat grass keep it low.  Chicken cover lawn with feather and chicken potty to kill grass and keep real low.  Either way, neighbors all be impressed with yard when it full of animal.


Then you can make landscape even better with plant and tree and bush.  You arrange plant and tree and bush in places on lawn where they look nice.  Plant look pretty in many places.  Tree look nice and good to put in place where you want shade from sun.  Bush look nice in front of window, so neighbor not look in and see you sweat to the oldies when you not have clothes on.


Also make lawn look better is flowers.  Flowers come in many color to make everything pretty and people look at them and say you must be good at make sweet love.  Flowers hard to take care of sometime.  Flowers need water and chicken potty to grow and make pretty.  If you no want take that much time for care, you buy flower made of plastic.  Plastic flower make you save extra money on water and chicken potty.


Other thing make landscape look nice are stuff you put on lawn that not grow, but just look nice.  You put little windmill on lawn to look cute.  Or you put cardboard sign on lawn that look like fat lady bend over in garden and everybody laugh and some people get excited.  Or you put goose made of cement on lawn and you dress goose up every day in new outfit.  Fake goose look nice in goose clothes, but real live chicken get mad and have stroke and die when you put in raincoat and hat.


You also need carefulness when you put chemical on lawn.  Chemical kill bad stuff in lawn like weed and make other stuff grow good.  But if you don’t make careful with lawn chemical, you fall over in lawn and you die.  This not good for lawn, it make dead spot on grass cause sun not get to grass.  You end up with outline of dead body surround by green grass.  This make neighbor keep make bad faces at you and your dead body.

You have happy fun time make landscape good!  You sweat to oldies in house naked and everyone smile cause they all see happy lawn and bush!