Dear Bathroom Guy: Can you tell us the fascinating history of the bathroom attendant profession?

Wow!  I couldn’t have written a more interesting question if I had written it myself!  OK, I did write it myself, but it still could not be more interesting.

I’ve learned from my studies that the first bathroom attendant was probably a caveman.  Chances are, he served as a lookout for wild beasts while his fellow cavemen tended to their bathroom needs.

Things sure have changed since then!  Now, we have enclosed bathrooms featuring flush toilets, and almost no chance of being attacked by a wild animal.  Of course, there are exceptions.  I recently read about a bathroom attendant at a safari compound in Tanzania who keeps a tranquilizer gun right next to his mouthwash!  I’ve never encountered anything that drastic, not even while working in Newport.

Indeed, the first recorded instance of a bathroom professional appears on a recently discovered cave drawing.  The drawing depicts someone squatting behind a rock, while a noble neanderthal man stands at his side, holding what appears to be a spear and a  breath mint.

Then the profession evolved through the years as civilization spread across the globe.  The ancient Greeks thought of bathroom attendants as some of the most noble members of their society, akin to philosophers and warriors.  The Greeks were also a rather perverted society, and used bathroom attendants for some duties that, thankfully, we are not called upon to do today no matter how good the tips are except in parts of Amelia.

Some scholars may dispute this, but all of my reading on the subject indicates that the Bathroom Attendant Uprising of 475 AD was the true cause of the fall of the Roman Empire.

In the 14th century, bathroom attendants made an enormous impact on human history.  The profession had just begun to spread across Europe and it became fashionable to employ attendants for bathrooms across the continent.  The increased hand washing and cleanliness associated with having bathroom attendants was most likely responsible for ridding the world of The Plague.

When Europeans began traveling to the New World, bathroom attendants led the way, tending to passengers on the long ride across the ocean.  But, they were pleasantly surprised to find that the Native Americans were indeed a civilized society...so civilized that in fact they had bathroom attendants as well.  They were in charge of the TP in the Massachusetts sat down for the first Thanksgiving with the local tribe...a Pilgrim bathroom attendant stood side by side with a Native American bathroom attendant near the rustic facilities while everyone else ate. Instead of paper towels they handed customers discarded husks from the maze which we probably later resused to make ceremonial masks or something. 

The history of bathroom attendants is long and fascinating, and I’m sure our future will be the same.  Future generations will someday read about the first bathroom attendant in space, or perhaps hear about a bathroom attendant who saved lives or brought about world peace, or maybe a bathroom attendant who did all three!