8 reasons the iPhone totally sucks

By Alex Wright, DERF Science & Technology Blogger

If you haven't purchased an iPhone yet, DON'T!  Resist the temptation.  If you already have one, my condolences and it's time to admit to your friends how much it sucks.  It is amazing to me how iPhone owners are so caught up in the hype they can't admit it sucks.  This is a terrible phenomenon because it is causing even skeptics who check with friends and do their research before buying it. The hype about this thing has sustained itself at an amazing level. This must be one of the most amazing stories of branding power in the history of brands because despite its many intolerable flaws, the iPhone has a blinding halo.

If you are currently thinking about I know how you feel because I've been there.  It seems so cool and irresistible.  You are absolutely sick and tired of the problems with your current PDA.  But mark my words IF YOU BUY AN iPHONE YOU WILL BE DISAPPOINTED. 

People praise this flawed device because they are more in love with the idea or concept of the device than the actual device.  We all know what the iPhone is supposed to do and if it actually did all those things it would truly be a remarkable innovation.  Basically we all have a crush on the iPhone before we buy it.  This is exactly like having a crush on an attractive person for a long time before finally getting the opportunity to date that person. For a while we are blinded by the wonderful idea of that person held in our imagination for so long.  If begin to detect the person has glaring and intolerable flaws, we repress our observations initially.  But eventually we hopefully come to our senses and gracefully separate. 

For me the honeymoon with my iPhone is over.  It was a great idea.  But sadly like many of my ex-girlfriends, it sucks and I believe I will be gracefully separating asap.

I am going to give you my honest appraisal of my 90 day experience with my new 3G iPhone here.  I am sure there must be some scathing reviews out there on the blogosphere but I had a hard time finding them. It's hard to even find an honest review on all the techy message boards out there.  Again I believe this is because people are so consumed with love for what this product should be.

1.  The lines snaking around the mall to buy the new iPhone were fake!  Seriously this was a low class circus trick. This isn't a direct criticism of the iPhone but it is a criticism of Apple's infuriating and cheesy attempt to over hype the demand for the product.  Here is how the stunt worked:  The actual purchase and activation process only took about 3 minutes.  But Apple Store workers made everyone wait in line in the mall outside the store while workers escorted each customer individually through the purchase process.  Each customer was taken to four stopping points in the store and asked if they would like to purchase various accessories.  The staff had a sales pitch at each stopping point.  "Here is a wide variety of excellent covers that will protect the iPhone in case of blah blah blah."  There was also a stop to sell product insurance. Finally on the last stop the product is purchased and activated.  This is why there was a line for this product.  No different than a cheesy nightclub faking a line outside with velvet ropes.  Apple should be ashamed of itself. 

2.  iPhone Text Messaging Sucks - This is an endless disaster.  Thanks Apple for single-handedly ruining the joy of texting.  It was previously a fun and effective way to communicate but now I avoid it whenever possible.  The texting tool has a corrective function that is supposed to fix typing mistakes but it is a disaster.  It flat out doesn't work.  I often use the word ‘mins' (short for minutes) when saying ‘I'll be a few mins' late for instance.  The iPhone ‘autocorrects' this and changes the word to ‘mind'.  You are supposed to press on the suggested word so it learns that ‘mins' is a word you normally use so your word can be added to the iPhone dictionary.  But it absolutely doesn't work.  It constantly forever keeps changing ‘mins' to ‘mind'.  That's just one example.  There are hundreds of others.  All day long it ‘autocorrects' many things I type and I have to go out of my way to fix it.  Try doing this while driving or talking to someone.   One last infuriating tidbit about texting: Texting pictures is not possible.  Thanks AT&T - you suck even more than the iPhone. 

3.  Contacts Sucks - The scroll system for finding contacts sucks.  It takes forever just to pull up a single contact.  The Treo and Blackberry work way better.  Entering a new contact is ridiculous.  You have to go through multiple screens and if you don't hot SAVE on any of them the contact is lost.  It takes forever.  Don't even try getting a chick's number in a bar with this ridiculous system.  Stick with the old napkin system!

4. Note Taking Sucks - On previous PDAs like the Treo I used the note taking function a lot.  It is a convenient way of making lists etc.  But it is unworkable on the iPhone.  First of all the font is ridiculously illegible and cannot be changed.  Second, it uses the same writing system as texting so it sucks.    

5.  Calendar Sucks - Wow.  They couldn't figure out a decent calendar system. This thing is a wreck.  Entering a single event requires opening and saving 6 screens!!  Are you fricking kidding?  If at anytime you forget to hit save...bye bye new entry and last 2 minutes of time just spent entering it.  Again it works splendidly on the Treo and Blackberry.  Also the single day display does not work on the calendar.  It is supposed to show 15 minute increments but they are very difficult to see. (My eyes are perfect by the way)

6.  Email Sucks - It randomly does not download the content of certain emails.  This happens every day.  Some emails are fine but plenty of others cannot be read because only the email title is visible.  There is an option for downloading the rest of the content but guess what?  It doesn't work.  Yes I have called Apple support and no it was not helpful.  Second, it uses the same writing system as texting so it sucks.    

7.  Delays and Lock-ups - Navigating around the iPhone is slow.  Opening Text Messaging for instance takes 4.5 seconds.  Plus in the 90 days I have owned the iPhone it has completely locked up 5 times.  This requires you to go to the Apple website to see how to reset the iPhone.  This is way too frequent. 

8.  This one is up to you.  When you write in and tell what else sucks I will publish the number one response here next week.   Hit the Science and Technology section of the Derf Message Boards and share your opinion.

The bottom line is this thing isn't ready for primetime.  Sure it look good.  Some of the web viewing stuff is catchy but none of that crap matters if the fundamental business functions don't work.  A lot of iPhone users like to say Apple will fix the current problems with firmware and software updates released ever couple of months.  I hate to dash your naïve hopes but that ain't happening.  I have downloaded two upgrades and they haven't fixed anything.  Does anyone honestly believe Apple will admit the entire texting platform sucks and retool it from scratch?  No way.  We're stuck with it. 

All I can say to the Apple designers is you bunch of frik'n morons ought to be prosecuted for releasing this crap.  You plainly knew it didn't work and you released it anyway.  Congratulations!  You are now qualified to work at Microsoft.