Iíve been abducted and Iím writing this column from the trunk of my car
Please read my words carefully, don’t panic, but alert everyone you know of this horrific ongoing event. Use all social media tools and emergency responders at your disposal.
My friends, it was bound to happen eventually. As a well respected and shockingly beloved blogger and chronicler of all things great and small, the attention foisted upon me is massive. This leads to jealousy, envy, and occasionally a discount at certain local coffee shops. I’m not sure if there is a specific reason why this happened or if it is a punishment for my broad level of awesomeness but it has most certainly happened. I have been abducted and I am currently writing this post from the trunk of my car.
About Slade Dandridge
Slade Dandridge develops his column ideas through a process he calls 'Accelerated Coffee Infusement'. He considers himself very attractive and intelligent. He also believes he is adored by his readers. Slade is writing a book about reducing America's dependence on foreign marmalade.
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Slade would love to hear from you: firstname.lastname@example.org
- I'm paid handsomely for my ability to stay ahead of you, the reader.
- Sometimes I can dance exactly like Justin Timberlake without even trying
- I'm hurt that no one has ever bothered to translate my column into any other language
- I bring sand to the beach to make the other sand jealous.
- Not all women are ready to date a highly successful man like me.
- People should be required to pay to read my Facebook status updates.