Being a highly influential and much beloved columnist, it is not necessary for me to toot my own horn.  However, I can’t go any longer without pointing out my mastery on this subject.  I plan to totally own dozens of church festivals this summer.  From Norwood to Northern Kentucky to the West Side, I’ll be arriving at church parking lots and not leaving until that festival is my bitch.

There is a proper way to go about attending a church festival, and so many people just don’t get it.  People forget the true meaning of these church functions:  Gambling, gorging on food, getting ripped, and letting everyone have a chance to rub elbows with an influential blogger like me.  You don’t…

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