2009's Moments Made Unforgettable Because of Me
This will certainly go down as a year to remember largely becasue of me! Because I am a powerfully influential and much beloved columnist, people look to me for insight. Therefore, I took it upon myself to make some notes throughout the year so I could give to you my list of 2009’s Unforgettable Moments Made Unforgettable by Me.
INAUGURATION DAY: America watches as President Obama is sworn into office, and the entire community of Oakley watches as I go out to buy myself a new pair of shoes. I got a gift certificate for the Shoe Carnival for Christmas, so I spent most of the morning wandering the store, looking for just the perfect pair. I finally settled on some nifty running shoes that glow in the dark for when I take my twilight power walks. Needless to say, the community was stunned at the sight of my magnificent feet as I strolled the evening away.
MICHAEL JACKSON DIES: Who will ever forget where they were when they heard the news? Certainly not the crowd at the Oakley Fat Burger. I was there having my usual order of a King Burger with Skinny Fries and a Chili Cup, when someone at the counter said that the King of Pop was dead. Well, Michael must have immediately channeled himself through me, because I sprang to my feet and began to do the Thriller dance up and down the floor of the Fatburger. I expected others to join in, but everyone grieves in their own way. The patrons of the Fatburger that day grieved by enjoying my cool tribute.
EMERGENCY LANDING IN THE HUDSON: The nation was gripped by this story and the heroic pilot who made it all happen. I forget his name, but he was pretty cool. It was right up there in airline news with my flight from CVG to Raleigh this year, when I soothed the passengers during an especially turbulent flight by asking the stewardesses to get everyone a free cola. I think one of the male stewardesses had a crush on me because he only gave me a free cola.
TIGER WOODS: So news had barely begun to break about Tiger Woods and his many affairs when I was hanging out at a local watering hole. A guy next to me asked the bartender what he thought of Tiger Woods. I swear, I don’t know how this stuff comes to me, but I just blurted out, “I guess as a husband, he’s just not up to PAR.” I really leaned on the word PAR, to give it extra emphasis. Well, the two of them just stared at me, obviously because they are not knowledgeable about golf. So I left the bar immediately and began visiting every local golf course, to tell the joke in their pro shops. I also faxed the joke in to Jay Leno, inspiring many a Tiger Woods routine on his late night talk show.
OCTOMOM: This lady had like six or seven kids, maybe even more! She had them all at once too, and I personally suspect that she did it just to draw attention to herself, which I think is disgusting. I pointed this out by giving a ten minute speech on the subject during Karaoke night at a bowling alley before launching into my famous Grease Medley. “Tell me more, tell me more. Does he have a car?”
SWINE FLU: I guess this was some kind of health concern, but let me tell you about the real health crisis that occurred in 2009. I either caught some kind of bug or got into a bad batch of clams, because for an entire week during October I was unable to get up off of the couch excepting trips to the bathroom. Sometimes, I did not make it. I pray that 2010 finds the medical world working toward a solution to whatever caused that mess.
AND, IF I MAY, A PERSONAL NOTE: Sure, there were plenty of big national and world stories that shook us in 2009, but I would like to just take a couple of seconds to talk about one that involves me. This was unbelievable. Back in June, I was in the Taco Bell drive thru, and I noticed some kind of commotion in the car ahead of me as they were at the window to get their order. They quickly sped off, and as I came up to the window, the Taco Bell employee said, “They just got mad and took off, they left all of this food behind, do you want it?” Yes, friends, I must have been living right in 2009 because I drove away from that Taco Bell with my own order plus a free sack of 9 burritos, two chalupas, and a grande nacho. Thank you people in front of me for getting so mad.
Memorable moments all because of me, indeed.
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