Iím embarrassed about my public cat fight with Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso
The life of a much beloved, highly influential, and well respected columnist is full of twists and turns, much like that of a giant slalom skier. Indeed, skiing has landed this celebrity in a bit of an embarrassing situation.
It started out innocently enough, as I began doing some online research for one of my columns. After an hour or so of exploring the many results that popped up, and then another hour of downloading some of the image files, I forgot what the original idea for my column was going to be. However, in true genius form, I had stumbled upon a new area of interest: American Olympic skiers Julia Mancuso and Lindsey Vonn.
These two ski bunnies have been battling it out on the US Ski Team for quite a few years now, and are apparently quite the rivals. I assume that their rivalry stems from both being so good at their chosen sport, as well as their very different personality traits. I’m not sure what exactly those personality traits are, but one similarity they both have is a deep affection for me. You can tell by just about everything they do, they constantly compete for attention. That part has been obvious to the world since the Olympic opening ceremonies.
So now on to the embarrassing part. Tensions get very high during the Olympics, and I guess Julia and Lindsey were mad at each other over several things including me.
I admit they are both very beautiful ladies. But if I was forced to decide between both of them I don’t think I could do it. Would likely follow the advice of my hero Tupac Shakur who once said to me in a club, “If two fine bitches tryin da mack on yo shit, don’t pick none of ‘em. Get a outta town shorty dey don’t know. Problem solved.” Moments later Tupac got capped but I’m glad he had a chance to give me this advice first. I wouldn’t want to hurt either Lyndsey or Julia so I would probably choose someone else whom I consider to be neutral territory such as the popular actress Megan Fox or the girl who plays Kate on Lost.
I should have just stayed out of their argument, and let it wind down to its logical conclusion of an oiled up wrestling match, followed by a reconciliation in a hot tub. Instead, I am embarrassed to say that I got involved, resulting in a three way cat fight that may be the biggest black eye to the Olympics since that idiot Russian judge failed to give Brian Boitano a perfect score. I think we all still feel the sting of that undignified moment.
Because I was unable to actually travel to Vancouver due to personal issues involving the reliability of my car. My part of the battle took place via the internet. When I heard that Lindsey and Julia were involved in a spat, I went first to Julia’s Facebook fan page where I left her a message saying, ‘Take a deep breath, relax, and call me.” Well, she was apparently ‘too busy’ to call me, so I left the same message on Lindsey’s page. Again, I got no call.
At this point, I was starting to get a little ticked off. If you’re offered help by a well respected and beloved columnist, you should really take him up on it instead of playing hard to get. My messages then took on a more nasty tone. I needed to let them know I got other shortys mackin’ hard on my shiz. The cat fight was on.
Of course being very emotional people, both Lyndsey and Julia overreacted by filing restraining orders against me. Save the drama for yo mama girls! I’ve had hotter chicks than you file restraining orders against me! You ain’t all that, for real.
I look back on it now and feel quite silly, and would like to apologize to my fans, to Lindsey, and to Julia and their legal teams and to the people that manage their facebook accounts. I hope that we can put our differences behind us, and move on to the part of our relationship where we make up over a bottle of wine in the hot tub. I will need you ladies to provide the wine, and the hot tub, and travel expenses.