Iím not sure how much of a tax deduction to take for being awesome.
Being a highly successful and world famous magazine columnist puts me in a special part of society most days of the year. But, there are days where I must be just another Joe Bag of Donuts and mix in with the rest of the population. One of those days is tax day. Just like someday it is certain we will all day, every year we all have to do our taxes. I would, however, like to point out that even though some day we will all die, there will be much more grief and mourning over my death than the average person. But you probably already knew that.
I am already somewhat annoyed at the federal government because they wanted me to fill out a Census form. I called the census department on several occasions to let them know that I am very important, and therefore should not have to fill it out myself, but some kind of bureaucratic red tape kept them from ever responding to my request. I finally figured that it was best to not fill it out. That way, they will send someone from the census department to my house. Once this person arrives, they will be able to figure out that I am not just a normal citizen, I’m an uber-citizen who needs to be counted at least twice, or maybe just be put in a separate category.
So, as far as my taxes go, I once heard that Elvis paid all of his taxes without taking out any deductions. I thought maybe since Elvis and I are very similar in social stature and build that I should do the same. But, the fact is, although Elvis may have been pretty popular in certain parts of Memphis back in the day...I am quite confident that I am much more of a hero in Oakley. Plus, the world’s population has grown since Elvis died, so there are more people in the world for me to entertain.
Beyond that, I also don’t like paying taxes. After much research into economics, I discovered that by not paying as much in taxes, I get to keep more money for myself to spend on food, drinks, video games and lucky ladies.
As I was filing out my tax form, I found lots of places where I could take deductions for my chosen profession of beloved magazine columnist. For one thing, I deducted all of my clothes because it is important for everyone who sees me out in public to be able to look up to my sexy style. I also deducted other essential parts of my job such as cologne, body spray, breath mints, a paint job for my car, my hair cuts, and every single food and drink item I have consumed in the last year. Since my entire life makes up the basis for my column, I also deducted every other expense I have like rent, cable, extra big tips for Hooters waitresses, my phone bill, and my neighbors phone bill since I often listen to her phone conversations on my scanner.
After taking all of those proper deductions, it certainly made the amount of money I pay in taxes much lower. However, I still feel like there should be a way I can put a price on my general aura of awesomeness. Maybe a standard awesomeness deduction of a couple thousand bucks every fiscal quarter. It may not be on the tax form right now, but it will be. Right after I explain the concept to the guy from the IRS who is gonna come to my house because I don’t have time to file this form either.