I want to make sweet love to you, Jean Schmidt
Being one of the most respected and abundantly loved media darlings in the eastern part of the 45209 zipcode area, I’m usually quite immune to becoming star-struck. I was once in an elevator with Jack Atherton, and though I wanted to compliment him on his smart suit and twelve to fourteen dollar haircut...I remained calm. I’m sure Jack wanted to say similar things to me, but we instead rode silently up together, basking in the confidence that comes from being able to remain cool in the presence of media greatness. When we departed the elevator and made our way in to the Dungeons and Dragons convention, we gave each other a silent nod of knowing approval.
Though it is slightly more difficult, my high status in society also keeps me from falling all over famous women. I was once in a bar with several members of the now defunct WNBA Cleveland Rockers basketball team and though it was hard not to break down and try out some smooth lines on the ladies, I managed. I’ve also been in the same general vicinity of that one chick who used to host Trading Places on TLC, and not a once did I shout out to her.
However, I’ve found a fellow public figure who makes me want to no longer hold my tongue, or any other part of my body for that matter. Congresswoman Jean Schmidt represents Ohio’s 2nd District, and she also represents my ideal fantasy of desire.
I’m not sure what Jean’s politics are, though I think her main issue is spreading patriotism by adorning herself and her hair bun in as much red, white and blue fabric as possible. This issue has served her well, as I’m sure I’m not the only man who comes to full attention and gives a firm salute upon seeing her. But really, she could be a socialist, a marxist, or a Canadian for all I care.
I saw her the other day on television while I was at the gym. The sound was down but the caption had something to do with a tea party. Immediately, my mind jumped to me and Jean sharing tea together. On a blanket. In the woods. Nude. With cookies. Lots of cookies. I got so worked up at this vision that I almost asked the gym staff to move a TV monitor into the sauna so Jean and I could have a little more private time together.
I think I would make a very good political spouse. I could host the fundraisers and organize the cocktail parties while my sweet Jeanie muffin was out doing whatever the hell congresspeople do. I could go door to door campaigning for her, and tell everyone what a great dame she is. And how incredible she is as my sweet lover.
Perhaps it would be even better if Jean retired from politics or got defeated in an election. We would have much more time together for cuddling, caressing, and general shenanigans. Though, her being defeated in an election is not really an option. The lucky people of the 2nd district vote Schmidt every election, and I doubt they care about her politics anymore than I do, they just want to show off to the rest of the country what fine pieces of candy can be found in southern Ohio.
Yes, I want to make sweet, sweet love to you Jean Schmidt, and I’m not afraid to say it. Cowards may cut and run, but this stallion wants to touch and giggle.