I’d say my short stint with the Navy Seals last week was pretty productive
I don’t talk a lot about my work with the Navy Seals mostly because people are more interested in my job as one of the most successful bloggers in the Oakley area.
But last week on Seal duty I did something really special that I feel is worth talking about. Most of the mission is still classified but I have clearance to say a few things about it.
It all started while I was at home writing a follow up blog to an original piece I wrote about how I don’t appreciate when women suggest I explore male enhancement options. Then my cell phone rang. It was my Motorola Razr. I knew it had to be important because there are only four people who have this number – The United States Congress, Senate, Pentagon, and the White House. That’s more than four people but I think of each entity as one person so I don’t get overwhelmed.
They were all on the phone at the same time and they told me to “go get the son of a bitch”. In military speak, that means go get Bin Laden! I accepted the mission under one condition – that I could put my own team together. They accepted my demand so I immediately stopped blogging and called all my old Seal buddies – Bulldog, Ripper, Ace, Pounder, and Trigger. We headed off to Pakistan in a military transport plane.
On the way, I told the guys if I don’t make it back, please finish my blog about male enhancement options. It's an important piece that could help a lot of guys. At that point I told the guys I’d meet them at the Bin Laden compound and I dove into the ocean and swam ashore. I can hold my breath for over 3 minutes so I swam most of way underwater to avoid detection.
We breached the compound disguised as a crew of nocturnal landscapers. I’ve successfully used that one before on night missions. We immediately shot everyone in the compound using machine guns that looked like weed whippers. Pounder started doing some actual weed whipping. We all got a big laugh out of that. I told Pounder to knock it off and get back to work. In typical Pounder fashion, he said, “Yeah you’re right. They have people for this...Oh no wait, they're all dead now.” The guys and I cracked up over that one. You can always count on Pounder to lighten the mood during an intense moment just like when Joe Montana said that thing about John Candy during the 1987 Super Bowl or whatever year that was.
When I found Bin Laden he immediately tried to bribe me with 100 million dollars. I said, “I’m a blogger you idiot! I’m already rich!” He apologized and asked what I blogged about. I told him it’s kind of a lifestyle blog that is mostly autobiographical but with a little dramatic fiction added in for effect once in a while. He said he thought it sounded like a unique concept and wished me luck with it.
Sensing he was starting to think of his own ideas for terrorism blogs, I went back into Seal mode. “You ready to get those 72 virgins you guys are always talking about?” He said, “Yes blogger, I certainly am.” I said, “Well, they’re probably a bunch of skanks and they probably think you need to explore male enhancement options!” In response, Pounder said, “Ouch!” We all cracked up. Leave it up to pounder to come up with that perfectly timed, one word, bit of hilarity right when we needed it.
Unfortunately I was laughing so hard I accidentally discharged my weapon and put two rounds in Bin Laden’s head and one in Bulldog’s leg. It was silent for a few seconds and then Pounder broke the ice by again saying, “Ouch.” OMG we laughed for a half hour straight. Bulldog almost bled out but we got him back to the medic on the transport plane just in time.
As the plane headed toward the rising sun, I poured all the guys a shot from my stash of Cherry Three Olives Vodka and said a toast, “To America and to freedom.” Then Pounder said “Ouch” but it wasn’t funny that time….trying too hard.