Tough times brings out the best in many people. In you, it brings out a desire to eat lots of carbs.

Aries

You will soon be coming into some money. You'll find a five dollar bill on the street that a rich person just blew their nose into.

Taurus

So you found out this week you are immune to the swine flu virus. What does it mean? Well, pigs are immune also. We'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Gemini

Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.

Cancer

You need to get in touch with your natural instincts, and learn to start ignoring them. They've only gotten you into trouble so far.

Leo

Do not feel guilty about the time you ignored a friend who tends to cry wolf. How could you know that whiney friend was being ripped apart on a hiking trip in Mt. Airy Forest by an actual pack of wolves who's migration from Alaska was previously undetected.

Virgo

The next knock on your door will bring a delightful surprise. The knock after that will be a team of repossession professionals to take it away.

Libra

Why not break out of your rut this week? Try being hopelessly incompetent at something new!

Scorpio

Blacktopping driveways will be a big part of your next career move. It won't be how you'll make your money, it will be something your boss will force you to do as a means of harassment.

Sagittarius

Thinking about researching your family tree? Our advice is stay away from the Kentucky side of the tree. You might find that your spouse is really a sibling.

Capricorn

You finally have a reason to celebrate. All of the restraining orders filed against you expired this week! Treat yourself to something nice. Then get started on screening some fresh new stalking victims.

Aquarius

Get the feeling you and you're job are morphing into a single entity? This is why you smell like four-day old frying grease at Popeye's Chicken. How about a shower once in a while?

Pisces