our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Thursday, November 27th - 1:00 PM-1:00 PM

Free Pool Thursday Nights at Tap & Go @ Tap & Go

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Dec 5 - 5:30PM-9:30PM

The Stand, $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
lame horoscopes

Email To Friends   |    |  

Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Thursday, November 6th

Aries
Get out of the old breakfast routine. Have a bagel instead of malt liquor and see what that does to improve your day.
Aries
Taurus
Your career forecast is dark. Time to start thinking about faking a slip and fall accident at your local grocery store. It is the only thing you might be good at.
Taurus
Gemini
Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.
Gemini
Cancer
If you are going to lead the resistance, you must first show the other employees of Popeye's Chicken that you are not afraid to stand up to company management. Your courage will earn the respect of chicken workers everywhere.
Cancer
Leo
During the next lunar eclipse, the planets will be perfectly aligned for you to be subject to enormous amounts of luck. Unfortunately, you will be spending this time tied up in a meat locker. But the next morning you will be allowed to keep a six pound standing rib roast that you used as a pillow.
Leo
Virgo
Keep a close eye behind you at all times this week. In fact, stop reading this and turn around now.
Virgo
Libra
In a past life, you were a dancer in the Don Ho musical review. Shimmying back and forth in a grass skirt in front of Japanese tourists was better than anything you will ever experience in your present life.
Libra
Scorpio
Travel at this time is not recommended. The stars are not correctly aligned for it, and your parole officer is not going to approve it anyway.
Scorpio
Sagittarius
Embrace you personal defects. An online database which lists all of your defects will be complete for you to review as soon as our data entry team completes the eleven year phase of entering your defects.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Your lucky numbers for the week are hidden in your supervisor's back hair. Search carefully, but search soon because there is a waxing in his future.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Soaking your parakeet in motor oil to make him empathize with less fortunate wild birds who are victims of an oil spill was not a good idea. Showing him pictures on the intranet may have been a better option.
Aquarius
Pisces
Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.
Pisces


Previous Weeks:

Wednesday, October 29th
Sunday, October 5th
Wednesday, September 17th

Events
Parties, concerts, nightlife, benefits, art, wine, sports, theater, and more.