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Saturday, October 25th - 10:00 AM-2:00 PM

Free Flow Mimosa Brunch at Keystone @ Keystone Bar & Grill

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Oct 31 - 5:30PM-9:00PM

Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's), $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
lame horoscopes

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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Sunday, October 5th

Aries
The good news is there is a company that would like to hire you. The bad news is it's Time Warner Cable. We recommend passing on the job. Working for the worst run company in the United States will be worse for your resume than continued unemployment.
Aries
Taurus
Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.
Taurus
Gemini
You have nothing to fear this week. Except bedbugs. Lots and lots of bedbugs. They are all hungry and they are the only creatures on the planet that find you delicious.
Gemini
Cancer
Don't allow any Scorpios to handcuff you this week. If they offer, tell them you gave up handcuffing for lent.
Cancer
Leo
The good news is you totally don't have to worry about impressing people at your upcoming 10 year high school reunion. The bad news is you can't go because you'll be on house arrest again.
Leo
Virgo
This is a good week to consider finding a new companion. A DERF Gnome would be perfect for you. They're trained not to talk if they are more intelligent than their owner. Watch our CONTEST page for upcoming Gnome giveaways.
Virgo
Libra
You're going to be making several self-discoveries in the coming days. One of them involves finding something repulsive living in your belly button.
Libra
Scorpio
You are about to do your part to help stop global warming. You're going to testify before congress and show them those pit stains.
Scorpio
Sagittarius
By the time you get home from work today your wife will have ended one affair and started another. We can barely keep up with the worthless tramp. You need to put the smack down on that bizotch asap.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
The co-workers you carpool with have given up on finding an air freshener strong enough to mask your odors. Be prepared for a confrontation.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Gather your thoughts before speaking in anger. While you are gathering your thoughts, you might want to gather some weapons too. The people you are angry at are better armed.
Aquarius
Pisces
You need to get in touch with your natural instincts, and learn to start ignoring them. They've only gotten you into trouble so far.
Pisces


Previous Weeks:

Wednesday, September 17th
Thursday, September 4th
Thursday, August 14th

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