Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Wednesday, January 21st
Went out drinking last night and forgot your house keys? Climbing through the doggie door would have been a good idea if you hadn't passed out and gotten stuck due to being 60 pounds overweight. Hopefully one of the neighbors will see you on their way to work this morning and help pull you out. And your dog is pissed.
There is reason to believe that your economic situation will be improving. But you must be willing to embrace prostitution as a temporary means to an end.
How many times do you think you could be punched in the stomach consecutively without throwing up or passing out? This is a question that is about to be answered.
You should really think about wiping your hands on your pants before AND after shaking hands with people this week.
There are so many negative influences out there. How do you avoid them all? While you work on answering this question remember most people you know have decided you are the worst negative influence in their life.
The mailman licks his fingers to sort your mail before putting it in your box. He is mostly healthy, except for a rare strain of the plague that only you are capable of contracting. Microwave all correspondence.
Stressful moments can be overcome by quiet, meditative reflection. However, your mind may not be cut out for meditative reflection. Try numbing yourself with cough syrup instead.
Next time the hostess asks if you want a table or a booth, it is a sign of impending doom. Scream loudly and run from the restaurant immediately.
Your dentist will miss a few problems during your next visit. He enjoys the nitrous oxide even more than you do.
Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.
Thinking about researching your family tree? Our advice is stay away from the Kentucky side of the tree. You might find that your spouse is really a sibling.
You will be visited in your dreams by a mythical lion who will tell you the secret to eternal happiness. You will then be visited while awake by a real lion who will maul and eat you.
Previous Weeks:Friday, December 19th
Thursday, November 6th
Wednesday, October 29th