Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Wednesday, June 6th
Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.
Your dreams are going to be filled with many images of lesbian ducks. This is your subconscious telling you to shower more often. Listen to your subconscious.
Car part prices, mustache grooming equipment, and certain farming principles. Regarding everything else, always seek the advice of a qualified professional.
People see you as having great honor, integrity, charm, warmth, generosity, and intellect. No wait, that's not you. We mixed you up with someone else. But maybe if you quit smoking so much weed you could at least be seen as a little bit less of a loser.
It's time to take care of something that has been weighing on your mind. Clean the blood out of your trunk and use bleach this time.
Your luckiest moment in this moon cycle will occur at the same time as your most unlucky moment. This will result in you just sitting there with nothing happening. Just like always.
You inspire people to think of the beach, because you smell of kelp and seagull droppings.
Forever may seem like a long time, but it isn't as long as spending two minutes in an elevator with you.
Embrace you personal defects. An online database which lists all of your defects will be complete for you to review as soon as our data entry team completes the eleven year phase of entering your defects.
Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.
This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.
There is a solution to many of your problems hidden in the aisles of Home Depot. Search carefully, and pay special attention to the spackle section.
Parties, concerts, nightlife, benefits, art, wine, sports, theater, and more.