That last piece of fried chicken you had was extremely high in calories. The worse news is, it wasn't chicken. You should have noticed the flea collar.

Taurus

If you are going to lead the resistance, you must first show the other employees of Popeye's Chicken that you are not afraid to stand up to company management. Your courage will earn the respect of chicken workers everywhere.

Gemini

Use a civil tone when addressing your enemies this week, but go ahead and scream at your parents for no reason. They deserve it for making you into the empty shell that you are.

Leo

You're seventh DUI is going to make you feel a bit nostalgic about those first few DUIs. Let yourself take a mental trip down memory lane while they process you at the county correctional facility.

Virgo

Keep a close eye behind you at all times this week. In fact, stop reading this and turn around now.

Libra

You are going to produce a sweat stain on your date's couch that looks like the Mona Lisa. Take a picture of it, then get out of there quick before anyone notices

Scorpio

Watch for hidden messages in Brady Bunch reruns. The message will be hidden in Mike Brady's perm.

Scorpio

This week if you may look in the mirror and notice an attractive and intelligent person looking back at you. That's your roommate looking at the one-way mirror you secretly installed in her bedroom.

Scorpio

This would be a perfect time to evaluate your relationship. Actually, the perfect time would have been before you entered it, because it is doomed to failure and heartache.

Sagittarius

The person who occasionally breaks into your house to use your toothbrush has just developed a fascination with your underwear drawer.

Sagittarius

A casual stroll will add great vibes to your soul, and great sweat stains your armpits.

Capricorn

You have the heart of a lion. It is in your freezer in aluminum foil. The sticker on it might say, ?Ground Beef?, but trust us, it is lion heart.

Aquarius