Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.

Aries

There are people in your life who love to see you fail miserably at everything you do. You've been making them really happy. Keep up the good work.

Aries

Get the feeling you and you're job are morphing into a single entity? This is why you smell like four-day old frying grease at Popeye's Chicken. How about a shower once in a while?

Taurus

Your luckiest moment in this moon cycle will occur at the same time as your most unlucky moment. This will result in you just sitting there with nothing happening. Just like always.

Cancer

You are about to do your part to help stop global warming. You're going to testify before congress and show them those pit stains.

Virgo

The bad news is, you'll soon be going to prison. The good news is, your fellow inmates are going to just love your toilet bowl gin.

Virgo

Every time you do a favor for a friend, it may later bring you good karma. Just in case it doesn't, make sure you write it down in a safe place so you can remind that friend later when you need bail money or a ride to the Talbot House sobriety counseling center.

Libra

Signs of success should be celebrated no matter how small they are. Get a microscope and hope for the best.

Scorpio

Step forward and make your voice heard. Unless you were choking on something when you were a kid and someone had to perform an emergency tracheotomy on you and it destroyed your voice box. In that case maybe carry a Sharpie around with you and communicate that way.

Scorpio

A bump on the head causes a loss of memory, but another bump brings it back, You have no recollection of either incident.

Scorpio

On the fence again? For you thats a more of a literal expression because you got wasted and passed out while climbing over a fence to take a shortcut home.

Capricorn

Describing your pet as a rescue is not impressing your friends. They know you would never climb down a well to rescue anything.

Pisces