There is reason to believe that your economic situation will be improving. But you must be willing to embrace prostitution as a temporary means to an end.

Aries

There is not a single reason to fear your future. There are hundreds of reasons, and they are all painfully obvious.

Aries

Is Tim Hedrick really your only friend on Facebook? Hahahaha!

Aries

The stars are perfectly aligned for you to receive a fast food meal with 34% less bacteria than usual.

Taurus

Your dreams are going to be filled with many images of lesbian ducks. This is your subconscious telling you to shower more often. Listen to your subconscious.

Gemini

People have noticed you use the word "baller" 3-4 times per day. Try to cut back a bit. This could significantly lower your douche factor.

Gemini

Venus and Mars will move to Scorpio and ask you to help. You’ll end up getting stuck with heavy stuff like dressers and the sofa, while they carry lamps. Politely decline

Cancer

Your lucky numbers this week are t, q, m, s, and h. Yep, you're lucky numbers are just as confused as you are.

Leo

The expiration dates on your hair products are older than the expiration date on your hairstyle. Get a new cut and ditch those Kenny Chesney 1988 style faded jeans. They look ridiculous on Kenny Chesney and even worse on you.

Virgo

Don't be afraid to make new friends. In fact, don't be afraid to give them the keys to your house and your ATM card.

Libra

You feel very connected to your sibling. This is natural because you are a Siamese twin.

Libra

If you're feeling a bit down, here's a quick pick-me-up idea. Bring that dog you've been neglecting to an animal shelter. They'll find a nice new family for him and you'll feel a lot better.

Pisces