You have the sensitive frailty of a tiny spring flower, and a similar IQ.

Taurus

There is reason to believe that your home is haunted. Luckily, the ghosts don't want to be around you any more than living people do...so they just keep to themselves in the utility closet.

Gemini

The good news is, you're finally going to convince that special someone to come home with you. The bad news is, you've still got the New Kids on the Block sheets on your bed.

Leo

Find a quiet calm in the storm by turning to the beauty of nature. Get a real good look at that flowered garden because it is about to be carried away by a twister.

Libra

Your visit to the Miley Cyrus concert did not go unnoticed. A video of you weeping and screaming her name is about to become very popular on YouTube.

Libra

Positive affirmations can help you achieve success. But telling yourself no one can detect you're hair piece is called denial. This is about as effective as telling yourself you're going to start growing hair any moment.

Sagittarius

There is an entire division of P&G scientists working deep underground to develop a detergent that can handle the kind of stains you create while eating Hot Pockets after you come home from the bar every night.

Sagittarius

Don't eat any shellfish between now and August 15th 2011. Unless you're a big fan of having your face swell up like a balloon, then dive right in.

Sagittarius

Your current relationship isn't going to work out, but go ahead and have their name tattooed on your stomach. It will be a classy touch.

Capricorn

By the time you get home from work today your wife will have ended one affair and started another. We can barely keep up with the worthless tramp. You need to put the smack down on that bizotch asap.

Capricorn

You will attend a wedding soon and catch the bouquet. You will also catch a rare disease that was carried to this country from a South American flower.

Aquarius

Getting the feeling you're being treated like a doormat again? It's good that you have the sensitivity to understand when you are being disrespected. But also you should stop wearing that t-shirt that says 'Welcome'.

Aquarius