our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Saturday, December 20th - 4:00 PM-9:00 PM

Happy Hour @ Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's)

DERF Happy Hour

Keep checking back here to find out where the next DERF Happy Hour will be!

lame horoscopes

Email To Friends   |    |  

Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Wednesday, October 31st

Taurus
When you hear a ticking clock, think of how each second of your life is an opportunity. You also might want to investigate where that ticking is coming from, you are not immune to bomb threats.
Taurus
Gemini
Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.
Gemini
Leo
Third time's a charm. Hopefully this will hold true for you third attempt at the G.E.D test. Our recommended celebrity tattoo for you is Richard Grieco.
Leo
Leo
Your computer is afflicted with a virus that puts a smiley face at the bottom of every email you send out. People find it extremely annoying.
Leo
Leo
Would you be surprised to learn the servers in your favorite Indian restaurant speak perfect English? They pretend they don't around you because like everyone else they can't stand you're annoying constant chatter.
Leo
Sagittarius
Use your talents this week to help another person. Bong building is not really a talent that counts but if that's all you've got then go for it.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius
Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Thinking about researching your family tree? Our advice is stay away from the Kentucky side of the tree. You might find that your spouse is really a sibling.
Capricorn
Capricorn
At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.
Capricorn
Capricorn
They just found your Dad's Members Only jacket in the Cincinnati time capsule. Oh wait that's yours? Ouch.
Capricorn
Capricorn
You inspire people to think of the beach, because you smell of kelp and seagull droppings.
Capricorn
Pisces
Gravy is not a beverage.
Pisces
«Return to most recent horoscopes

Events
Parties, concerts, nightlife, benefits, art, wine, sports, theater, and more.