They just found your Dad's Members Only jacket in the Cincinnati time capsule. Oh wait that's yours? Ouch.

Aries

Third time's a charm. Hopefully this will hold true for you third attempt at the G.E.D test. Our recommended celebrity tattoo for you is Richard Grieco.

Taurus

Would you be surprised to learn the servers in your favorite Indian restaurant speak perfect English? They pretend they don't around you because like everyone else they can't stand you're annoying constant chatter.

Gemini

When you hear a ticking clock, think of how each second of your life is an opportunity. You also might want to investigate where that ticking is coming from, you are not immune to bomb threats.

Leo

At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.

Virgo

Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.

Scorpio

You inspire people to think of the beach, because you smell of kelp and seagull droppings.

Scorpio

Your computer is afflicted with a virus that puts a smiley face at the bottom of every email you send out. People find it extremely annoying.

Capricorn

Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.

Capricorn

Use your talents this week to help another person. Bong building is not really a talent that counts but if that's all you've got then go for it.

Aquarius

Thinking about researching your family tree? Our advice is stay away from the Kentucky side of the tree. You might find that your spouse is really a sibling.

Aquarius

Gravy is not a beverage.

Pisces