The reason you can't find anything to wear in your closet is because you never buy the right clothes. Start looking for more burlap and calico mixes.

Leo

You'll be getting some extra sleep this week. The bad news is it is going to happen while you are driving.

Leo

Forever may seem like a long time, but it isn't as long as spending two minutes in an elevator with you.

Scorpio

Get out of the old breakfast routine. Have a bagel instead of malt liquor and see what that does to improve your day.

Scorpio

You are nurtured by the earth, air, and water. Heroin is a product of all these things so there's no reason to feel guilty about your continued abuse of this totally natural product of the earth.

Capricorn

So you found out this week you are immune to the swine flu virus. What does it mean? Well, pigs are immune also. We'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Aquarius

Pause to reflect on a sunset today, but make sure to get back home before it is fully dark. There are a half dozen people in your neighborhood dying to jump a sunset starer.

Aquarius

Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.

Aquarius

Like an old dog, you are reluctant to learn new tricks. Also like an old dog, you are flatulent and your fur has seen better days.

Pisces

Time to take control of your health and diet, even if it means financial ruin for the frozen pizza industry.

Pisces

Did you hear that noise? Yes, you did. No one else heard it, but you definitely did. Does this make you insane? Yes.

Pisces

The cookie sample you are going to eat at the grocery store was just slapped out of the hand of a wheezing nine year old. Eat it at your own risk, but you might want to make sure that you are up to date on all of your shots.

Pisces