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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Wednesday, November 21st
There are times when it is best to let the universe take care of everything. Washing your hair is not one of those situations. For goodness sake start lathering, rinsing and repeating.
This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.
You finally have a reason to celebrate. All of the restraining orders filed against you expired this week! Treat yourself to something nice. Then get started on screening some fresh new stalking victims.
People see you as having great honor, integrity, charm, warmth, generosity, and intellect. No wait, that's not you. We mixed you up with someone else. But maybe if you quit smoking so much weed you could at least be seen as a little bit less of a loser.
Wonderful news! You are going to meet a nice new guy online who would like to take you on vacation! His name is Joran Van Der Sloot and he's paying for your one way ticket.
Your lucky numbers for the week are hidden in your supervisor's back hair. Search carefully, but search soon because there is a waxing in his future.
You are marching to the beat of a different drummer. In fact, it is not a drum at all, it is a clarinet. And you are not marching, you are stumbling and may fall down at any second.
During the next lunar eclipse, the planets will be perfectly aligned for you to be subject to enormous amounts of luck. Unfortunately, you will be spending this time tied up in a meat locker. But the next morning you will be allowed to keep a six pound standing rib roast that you used as a pillow.
Ever have that not so fresh feeling? Everyone downwind from you has.
Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.
You need to make more time for yourself. There are 24 hours in a day, and you only think about yourself 23 and a half.
Reading text messages while driving is not advisable. The messages will not be important unless they warn you of the out of control gas tanker that will be speeding towards you in the near future.