People see you as having great honor, integrity, charm, warmth, generosity, and intellect. No wait, that's not you. We mixed you up with someone else. But maybe if you quit smoking so much weed you could at least be seen as a little bit less of a loser.

Taurus

Reading text messages while driving is not advisable. The messages will not be important unless they warn you of the out of control gas tanker that will be speeding towards you in the near future.

Gemini

You finally have a reason to celebrate. All of the restraining orders filed against you expired this week! Treat yourself to something nice. Then get started on screening some fresh new stalking victims.

Cancer

Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.

Leo

Wonderful news! You are going to meet a nice new guy online who would like to take you on vacation! His name is Joran Van Der Sloot and he's paying for your one way ticket.

Leo

Your lucky numbers for the week are hidden in your supervisor's back hair. Search carefully, but search soon because there is a waxing in his future.

Virgo

You need to make more time for yourself. There are 24 hours in a day, and you only think about yourself 23 and a half.

Virgo

Ever have that not so fresh feeling? Everyone downwind from you has.

Libra

During the next lunar eclipse, the planets will be perfectly aligned for you to be subject to enormous amounts of luck. Unfortunately, you will be spending this time tied up in a meat locker. But the next morning you will be allowed to keep a six pound standing rib roast that you used as a pillow.

Libra

There are times when it is best to let the universe take care of everything. Washing your hair is not one of those situations. For goodness sake start lathering, rinsing and repeating.

Capricorn

This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.

Capricorn

You are marching to the beat of a different drummer. In fact, it is not a drum at all, it is a clarinet. And you are not marching, you are stumbling and may fall down at any second.

Aquarius