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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Wednesday, December 5th
When the clock strikes eleven tonight, it would be a smart move for you to open and close the front door repeatedly while screaming the lyrics to American Pie.
It's time to take care of something that has been weighing on your mind. Clean the blood out of your trunk and use bleach this time.
You should really think about wiping your hands on your pants before AND after shaking hands with people this week.
Don't allow any Scorpios to handcuff you this week. If they offer, tell them you gave up handcuffing for lent.
Something is giving you a headache this week. We think it's the cat litter you haven't changed in 18 months.
This month you will unknowingly repulse a Leo and Capricorn so severely they will vomit. Their vomiting will in turn make a Gemini and Sagittarius vomit. This cycle will continue until most people in your community will be hospitalized with severe dehydration.
This is a good week to consider finding a new companion. A DERF Gnome would be perfect for you. They're trained not to talk if they are more intelligent than their owner. Watch our CONTEST page for upcoming Gnome giveaways.
Stressful moments can be overcome by quiet, meditative reflection. However, your mind may not be cut out for meditative reflection. Try numbing yourself with cough syrup instead.
Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.
It is highly recommended that you get a perm. The style might not look good on you, but the smell of hair products will divert attention from the other scents on your body.
Indulge your curious side by peeking into the stall next of you in public bathrooms this week. You're likely to find a new friend.
Gather your thoughts before speaking in anger. While you are gathering your thoughts, you might want to gather some weapons too. The people you are angry at are better armed.