Indulge your curious side by peeking into the stall next of you in public bathrooms this week. You're likely to find a new friend.

Taurus

You should really think about wiping your hands on your pants before AND after shaking hands with people this week.

Gemini

Something is giving you a headache this week. We think it's the cat litter you haven't changed in 18 months.

Gemini

It's time to take care of something that has been weighing on your mind. Clean the blood out of your trunk and use bleach this time.

Cancer

This month you will unknowingly repulse a Leo and Capricorn so severely they will vomit. Their vomiting will in turn make a Gemini and Sagittarius vomit. This cycle will continue until most people in your community will be hospitalized with severe dehydration.

Libra

Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.

Sagittarius

Stressful moments can be overcome by quiet, meditative reflection. However, your mind may not be cut out for meditative reflection. Try numbing yourself with cough syrup instead.

Capricorn

Don't allow any Scorpios to handcuff you this week. If they offer, tell them you gave up handcuffing for lent.

Capricorn

Gather your thoughts before speaking in anger. While you are gathering your thoughts, you might want to gather some weapons too. The people you are angry at are better armed.

Aquarius

When the clock strikes eleven tonight, it would be a smart move for you to open and close the front door repeatedly while screaming the lyrics to American Pie.

Aquarius

It is highly recommended that you get a perm. The style might not look good on you, but the smell of hair products will divert attention from the other scents on your body.

Pisces

This is a good week to consider finding a new companion. A DERF Gnome would be perfect for you. They're trained not to talk if they are more intelligent than their owner. Watch our CONTEST page for upcoming Gnome giveaways.

Pisces