You are about to get some life changing advice from a man wearing a v-neck t-shirt. Your friends will then abandon you, because they don't want to hang out with someone who talks to dudes who wear v-neck t-shirts.

Aries

There is a bacteria in your microwave that explodes all over your food at the one minute mark of heating. Don't let anything go for more than 59 seconds.

Gemini

You're seventh DUI is going to make you feel a bit nostalgic about those first few DUIs. Let yourself take a mental trip down memory lane while they process you at the county correctional facility.

Gemini

Tough times brings out the best in many people. In you, it brings out a desire to eat lots of carbs.

Leo

Alien beings in a far away galaxy studied you intently last year. They came to the conclusion that Earth contains no intelligent life smarter than the tapeworm.

Virgo

The bad news is, you'll soon be going to prison. The good news is, your fellow inmates are going to just love your toilet bowl gin.

Virgo

Don't take let a Gemini use your bathroom this week, unless you know a Libra who is knows how to install an industrial strength exhaust fan. You may also want to befriend a Taurus with plumbing experience.

Libra

When facing difficult choices, we recommend making informed decisions?.at least as much as you can with a G.E.D.

Scorpio

Embrace you personal defects. An online database which lists all of your defects will be complete for you to review as soon as our data entry team completes the eleven year phase of entering your defects.

Scorpio

That dog who barks at you every day when you walk by makes some excellent points. It is time for you to start listening to him.

Scorpio

When you see someone who has achieved great success, remember you will never be that successful. Try to avoid being around accomplished people. They will damage your self-esteem with all their fancy talk about graduating from high school, etc.

Capricorn

You have a coworker who likes to roam around the office after hours licking people's chairs. He has sampled every one in the office except yours, which he finds foul.

Capricorn