In a past life, you were a dancer in the Don Ho musical review. Shimmying back and forth in a grass skirt in front of Japanese tourists was better than anything you will ever experience in your present life.

Aries

You have the sensitive frailty of a tiny spring flower, and a similar IQ.

Taurus

Even if someone doesn't want help, give it to them anyway. Tell them their approach is novice and looks ridiculous. Be even more of an overbearing know-it-all than you already are. This will give you a confidence boost.

Cancer

As Jupiter aligns with Saturn, so shall your stomach hang down on top of and align with your thighs every time you sit down.

Cancer

Someone is going to slip something in your drink at the bar. Luckily, you are such a raging alcoholic that you did not even notice.

Leo

At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.

Virgo

Don't be afraid to make new friends. In fact, don't be afraid to give them the keys to your house and your ATM card.

Libra

Your visit to the Miley Cyrus concert did not go unnoticed. A video of you weeping and screaming her name is about to become very popular on YouTube.

Libra

One of your past flames is about to write a book on how to be in a relationship with a psychopath. It will feature dozens of pictures of you in various stages of undress. You will not receive any royalties, but you will get a few new stalkers.

Sagittarius

Your computer is afflicted with a virus that puts a smiley face at the bottom of every email you send out. People find it extremely annoying.

Capricorn

Have you been cutting yourself to avoid dealing with the realities of the economic down turn? That's hilarious. Stay in touch....we'd love to know what other freakish coping mechanisms you come up with.

Capricorn

Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.

Capricorn