You have nothing to fear this week. Except bedbugs. Lots and lots of bedbugs. They are all hungry and they are the only creatures on the planet that find you delicious.

Taurus

Your career forecast is dark. Time to start thinking about faking a slip and fall accident at your local grocery store. It is the only thing you might be good at.

Taurus

You will soon be on a game show. The host is going to mock you, the audience is going to laugh at you, and there will be no parting gifts.

Cancer

It might be hard to find a support group for people with 10 or more DUIs. To find a group you might have to lie an say you're still at a half dozen or so.

Cancer

You are your own worst enemy. But you already knew that. What may be news to you is you are everyone else's worst enemy too.

Virgo

The expiration dates on your hair products are older than the expiration date on your hairstyle. Get a new cut and ditch those Kenny Chesney 1988 style faded jeans. They look ridiculous on Kenny Chesney and even worse on you.

Virgo

Your job prospects might improve if you sneak over the border to Mexico and look for a fruit picking job.

Virgo

Keep a close eye behind you at all times this week. In fact, stop reading this and turn around now.

Libra

It is time to ramp up your relationship to the next level. For your next meal, skip the drive thru and take her to a nice sit down meal at Bob Evans. Recommend that she order the knife and fork sandwich, and watch her eyes light up in awe at your sophistication.

Libra

The most awkward photos of you from junior high school are being used to create a new role-playing game in Denmark. It is called -- DerUberGeeker -- and follows the adventures of a homely street urchin.

Sagittarius

You are going to take a trip, but your luggage is going to take an even longer trip. At the conclusion of your journeys, your luggage will smell like goat urine, and will have had a better time than you.

Capricorn

Use your talents this week to help another person. Bong building is not really a talent that counts but if that's all you've got then go for it.

Aquarius