There are so many negative influences out there. How do you avoid them all? While you work on answering this question remember most people you know have decided you are the worst negative influence in their life.

Aries

That last piece of fried chicken you had was extremely high in calories. The worse news is, it wasn't chicken. You should have noticed the flea collar.

Taurus

Your unlucky numbers are 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and any combination or repetition of these digits. Also, all fractions are included.

Cancer

Even though you're female, a lot of people think you're a douche. Yep, girls can be douches too and you're one of the biggest!

Cancer

When you hear a ticking clock, think of how each second of your life is an opportunity. You also might want to investigate where that ticking is coming from, you are not immune to bomb threats.

Leo

Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.

Scorpio

This would be a perfect time to evaluate your relationship. Actually, the perfect time would have been before you entered it, because it is doomed to failure and heartache.

Sagittarius

If you have a friend that needs some harsh advice, don't take the risk of delivering it in person. Write them an anonymous note but make it look like a mutual friend's handwriting so they'll get blamed in case there are hard feelings.

Capricorn

You will attend a wedding soon and catch the bouquet. You will also catch a rare disease that was carried to this country from a South American flower.

Aquarius

The timing belt on your car is about to stop working. It will stop working exactly one millisecond after a semi crushes it into a retaining wall.

Aquarius

Went out drinking last night and forgot your house keys? Climbing through the doggie door would have been a good idea if you hadn't passed out and gotten stuck due to being 60 pounds overweight. Hopefully one of the neighbors will see you on their way to work this morning and help pull you out. And your dog is pissed.

Pisces

This week you will have several moments of self-doubt. Each and every one of them will be based in hard fact. Spend as much time as possible hiding under the covers.

Pisces