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lame horoscopes

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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Wednesday, January 16th

Aries
Get out of the old breakfast routine. Have a bagel instead of malt liquor and see what that does to improve your day.
Aries
Taurus
You'll be getting some extra sleep this week. The bad news is it is going to happen while you are driving.
Taurus
Cancer
The mailman licks his fingers to sort your mail before putting it in your box. He is mostly healthy, except for a rare strain of the plague that only you are capable of contracting. Microwave all correspondence.
Cancer
Virgo
The reason you can't find anything to wear in your closet is because you never buy the right clothes. Start looking for more burlap and calico mixes.
Virgo
Virgo
There are people in your life who love to see you fail miserably at everything you do. You've been making them really happy. Keep up the good work.
Virgo
Libra
Have you noticed a strange and constant rotting smell everywhere you go? That's your soul. Get some clinical strength deodorant and see an exorcist.
Libra
Scorpio
There is an entire division of P&G scientists working deep underground to develop a detergent that can handle the kind of stains you create while eating Hot Pockets after you come home from the bar every night.
Scorpio
Scorpio
You are about to do your part to help stop global warming. You're going to testify before congress and show them those pit stains.
Scorpio
Capricorn
Your unlucky number is anything under 1 billion.
Capricorn
Capricorn
Every time you do a favor for a friend, it may later bring you good karma. Just in case it doesn't, make sure you write it down in a safe place so you can remind that friend later when you need bail money or a ride to the Talbot House sobriety counseling center.
Capricorn
Capricorn
A large Samoan will come to you with a business proposition. Give him everything in your checking account, but hang on to some savings for the therapy you'll need.
Capricorn
Aquarius
The pedestrian you hit this week lived. Also the old geezer memorized your license plate number. You still have time to ?pay him a little visit' at Good Samaritan hospital.
Aquarius
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