Giving up caffeine is a good idea. But suddenly replacing that daily energy jolt with meth amphetamines is bad choice. Start with Redbull and work your way up

Aries

You're going to make a huge impression this week. Your butt is going to make a sweaty, deep, permanent impression on your couch cushion.

Taurus

Don't try to fill your idle time with any useful pursuits. Being idle is your strong suit.

Gemini

The guy who keeps staring at you at the coffee shop thinks you sent him a nude photo in response to his ad on Craigslist. The staring will continue until you buy him a large mochachino as a gesture of good will.

Gemini

A surprise visitor is going to greet you with wonderful news. However, the visitor is going to surprise you to the point that you'll pass out and not hear what they have to say.

Cancer

A clean living space will clear your mind. Ask your roommate at the Talbot House to join you in tidying up your bunks today.

Leo

Take some time to find out more about yourself this week. Use the freedom of information act to request your FBI file.

Leo

You are becoming overwhelmed by guilt. Father, turn yourself in to the Archdiocese.

Virgo

If the lawn gnomes in your neighborhood ever decide to rise up and attack humans, you are first on their list. Double lock your windows and make sure to block the doggie door.

Libra

A bump on the head causes a loss of memory, but another bump brings it back, You have no recollection of either incident.

Scorpio

Stay away from Disney World. The guy in the Mickey Mouse suit has a rare disorder that can only be triggered by your pheromones. One whiff of you will cause him to be covered with boils so large they pop through his costume.

Pisces

The good news is someone is going to buy you a gift you will really need. The bad news is it is a book entitled, 50 Things to do While Under House Arrest.

Pisces