The co-workers you carpool with have given up on finding an air freshener strong enough to mask your odors. Be prepared for a confrontation.

Aries

The good news is you totally don't have to worry about impressing people at your upcoming 10 year high school reunion. The bad news is you can't go because you'll be on house arrest again.

Gemini

Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.

Leo

You will be featured in a ShamWow infomercial, they will refer to you as the only mess a ShamWow can't clean up.

Libra

Keep on reaching for the stars. You're never going to actually touch them, or anything else of value. But for you, living life through simplistic cliche metaphors might be the best way to keep you from using meth again.

Libra

Your frequent visits to several human trafficking websites has not gone unnoticed. You should do your research from the computers at Kinko's.

Scorpio

Exercise will lead to strengthening of your character. Start by not weeping when the kids down the street laugh at you as you jog.

Scorpio

Here's a new drinking game and a wonderful way to improve yourself. Every time Heidi Montag has a plastic surgery procedure, you drink plus you get the same procedure. There are other variations but this is the basic game.

Sagittarius

This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.

Capricorn

So you found out this week you are immune to the swine flu virus. What does it mean? Well, pigs are immune also. We'll let you draw your own conclusions.

Aquarius

There is an evil force in your home. Or maybe it is just expired cream cheese. Either way, be careful while eating your bagel.

Aquarius

You should consider getting a pet from an animal shelter. Just make sure to bring a friend along, because the staff may try to cage you for not having all your shots.

Aquarius