Indulge your curious side by peeking into the stall next of you in public bathrooms this week. You're likely to find a new friend.

Taurus

People have noticed you use the word "baller" 3-4 times per day. Try to cut back a bit. This could significantly lower your douche factor.

Gemini

Your luckiest moment in this moon cycle will occur at the same time as your most unlucky moment. This will result in you just sitting there with nothing happening. Just like always.

Cancer

There is a solution to many of your problems hidden in the aisles of Home Depot. Search carefully, and pay special attention to the spackle section.

Cancer

This month you will unknowingly repulse a Leo and Capricorn so severely they will vomit. Their vomiting will in turn make a Gemini and Sagittarius vomit. This cycle will continue until most people in your community will be hospitalized with severe dehydration.

Libra

Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.

Scorpio

This week if you may look in the mirror and notice an attractive and intelligent person looking back at you. That's your roommate looking at the one-way mirror you secretly installed in her bedroom.

Scorpio

Your last two restaurant meals contained traces of vermin droppings. Fortunately, you are immune to them because of the infestation in your kitchen.

Sagittarius

Your constant visits to midget pornography sites on the internet will lead to a computer virus lurking in cyberspace that will be named after you.

Capricorn

When you see someone who has achieved great success, remember you will never be that successful. Try to avoid being around accomplished people. They will damage your self-esteem with all their fancy talk about graduating from high school, etc.

Capricorn

When the clock strikes eleven tonight, it would be a smart move for you to open and close the front door repeatedly while screaming the lyrics to American Pie.

Aquarius

Your dog is shedding at about three times the normal rate. This is a sign for you to collect all of the hair and make a pretend dog. Then save a lot of money by giving your real dog to a better family.

Pisces