Would you be surprised to learn the servers in your favorite Indian restaurant speak perfect English? They pretend they don't around you because like everyone else they can't stand you're annoying constant chatter.

Gemini

You will ride in the cab of a driver who has failed three drug tests. He has passed the last two thanks to a vat of clean urine that he keeps right under your seat.

Cancer

Alien beings in a far away galaxy studied you intently last year. They came to the conclusion that Earth contains no intelligent life smarter than the tapeworm.

Virgo

The sweater you bought at Goodwill this week has fleas. Luckily they are the same species and phylum as the fleas already in your wardrobe so the transition should be a peaceful one.

Libra

Signs of success should be celebrated no matter how small they are. Get a microscope and hope for the best.

Scorpio

Don't give in to any fits of road rage this weekend. A better time for that would be next Tuesday...an excellent day for an occasional display of that handgun. This lets other motorists know you mean business.

Scorpio

That dog who barks at you every day when you walk by makes some excellent points. It is time for you to start listening to him.

Scorpio

Relationships will be rocky as Jupiter aligns with Neptune, and people's noses align with the ungodly odor of a rotting Hot Pocket that you accidentally lost in the fat folds of your belly.

Sagittarius

That nagging pain you've been feeling is nothing serious, but that spot that is kind of ticklish is going to turn out to be a really nasty problem. Prepare yourself for several surgeries and years of therapy.

Sagittarius

Your zest for life is never ending...just like your supply of alcohol. These two things go hand in hand.

Aquarius

Time to take control of your health and diet, even if it means financial ruin for the frozen pizza industry.

Pisces

Gravy is not a beverage.

Pisces