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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Wednesday, April 3rd
Stay away from Disney World. The guy in the Mickey Mouse suit has a rare disorder that can only be triggered by your pheromones. One whiff of you will cause him to be covered with boils so large they pop through his costume.
You have nothing to fear this week. Except bedbugs. Lots and lots of bedbugs. They are all hungry and they are the only creatures on the planet that find you delicious.
Get out of the old breakfast routine. Have a bagel instead of malt liquor and see what that does to improve your day.
Keep a close eye behind you at all times this week. In fact, stop reading this and turn around now.
Giving up caffeine is a good idea. But suddenly replacing that daily energy jolt with meth amphetamines is bad choice. Start with Redbull and work your way up
The expiration dates on your hair products are older than the expiration date on your hairstyle. Get a new cut and ditch those Kenny Chesney 1988 style faded jeans. They look ridiculous on Kenny Chesney and even worse on you.
A surprise visitor is going to greet you with wonderful news. However, the visitor is going to surprise you to the point that you'll pass out and not hear what they have to say.
Thinking about researching your family tree? Our advice is stay away from the Kentucky side of the tree. You might find that your spouse is really a sibling.
A large Samoan will come to you with a business proposition. Give him everything in your checking account, but hang on to some savings for the therapy you'll need.
Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.
The guy who keeps staring at you at the coffee shop thinks you sent him a nude photo in response to his ad on Craigslist. The staring will continue until you buy him a large mochachino as a gesture of good will.
Don't hide dead Capricorns in your car trunk this week. You're going to need your spare tire when you get a flat while evading a bookie you still haven't paid from your losing Superbowl bets.