Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Thursday, April 11th
You should consider getting a pet from an animal shelter. Just make sure to bring a friend along, because the staff may try to cage you for not having all your shots.
Would you be surprised to learn the servers in your favorite Indian restaurant speak perfect English? They pretend they don't around you because like everyone else they can't stand you're annoying constant chatter.
As Jupiter aligns with Saturn, so shall your stomach hang down on top of and align with your thighs every time you sit down.
Your dog is shedding at about three times the normal rate. This is a sign for you to collect all of the hair and make a pretend dog. Then save a lot of money by giving your real dog to a better family.
One of your past flames is about to write a book on how to be in a relationship with a psychopath. It will feature dozens of pictures of you in various stages of undress. You will not receive any royalties, but you will get a few new stalkers.
You will ride in the cab of a driver who has failed three drug tests. He has passed the last two thanks to a vat of clean urine that he keeps right under your seat.
This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.
Signs of success should be celebrated no matter how small they are. Get a microscope and hope for the best.
You will be featured in a ShamWow infomercial, they will refer to you as the only mess a ShamWow can't clean up.
Use a civil tone when addressing your enemies this week, but go ahead and scream at your parents for no reason. They deserve it for making you into the empty shell that you are.
Indulge your curious side by peeking into the stall next of you in public bathrooms this week. You're likely to find a new friend.
Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.