our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Tuesday, April 29th - 11:00 AM-11:00 PM

Taco Tuesdays @ Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's)

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Apr 25 - 5:30PM-9:30PM

The Oak Tavern, $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
lame horoscopes

Email To Friends   |    |  

Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Thursday, June 20th

Aries
Your constant visits to midget pornography sites on the internet will lead to a computer virus lurking in cyberspace that will be named after you.
Aries
Taurus
Your frequent visits to several human trafficking websites has not gone unnoticed. You should do your research from the computers at Kinko's.
Taurus
Taurus
At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.
Taurus
Taurus
Exercise will lead to strengthening of your character. Start by not weeping when the kids down the street laugh at you as you jog.
Taurus
Taurus
You work at P&G. You wear khaki pants every day. And you think Starbucks is cool. OMFG dude!
Taurus
Cancer
The good news is you totally don't have to worry about impressing people at your upcoming 10 year high school reunion. The bad news is you can't go because you'll be on house arrest again.
Cancer
Leo
Next time the hostess asks if you want a table or a booth, it is a sign of impending doom. Scream loudly and run from the restaurant immediately.
Leo
Libra
Are you ready for a tender-hearted romance but feel frustrated by something that always gets in the way? It's called a restraining order.
Libra
Scorpio
The good news is someone is going to buy you a gift you will really need. The bad news is it is a book entitled, 50 Things to do While Under House Arrest.
Scorpio
Sagittarius
There are so many negative influences out there. How do you avoid them all? While you work on answering this question remember most people you know have decided you are the worst negative influence in their life.
Sagittarius
Sagittarius
The cookie sample you are going to eat at the grocery store was just slapped out of the hand of a wheezing nine year old. Eat it at your own risk, but you might want to make sure that you are up to date on all of your shots.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
Step forward and make your voice heard. Unless you were choking on something when you were a kid and someone had to perform an emergency tracheotomy on you and it destroyed your voice box. In that case maybe carry a Sharpie around with you and communicate that way.
Capricorn
«Return to most recent horoscopes

Events
Parties, concerts, nightlife, benefits, art, wine, sports, theater, and more.
image Friday Apr 25
Final Fridays
image Friday Apr 25
DERF Happy Hour
image Friday Apr 25
Ben Peterson Band
More Events»