Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Tuesday, June 25th
When you see someone who has achieved great success, remember you will never be that successful. Try to avoid being around accomplished people. They will damage your self-esteem with all their fancy talk about graduating from high school, etc.
It is time to ramp up your relationship to the next level. For your next meal, skip the drive thru and take her to a nice sit down meal at Bob Evans. Recommend that she order the knife and fork sandwich, and watch her eyes light up in awe at your sophistication.
You will be visited in your dreams by a mythical lion who will tell you the secret to eternal happiness. You will then be visited while awake by a real lion who will maul and eat you.
This week if you may look in the mirror and notice an attractive and intelligent person looking back at you. That's your roommate looking at the one-way mirror you secretly installed in her bedroom.
The pedestrian you hit this week lived. Also the old geezer memorized your license plate number. You still have time to ?pay him a little visit' at Good Samaritan hospital.
By the time you get home from work today your wife will have ended one affair and started another. We can barely keep up with the worthless tramp. You need to put the smack down on that bizotch asap.
On your next trip to the track, bet on the number two horse. It isn't going to win, but you will find a new love who adores the way you scream, Deuce! C'mon deuce!
If you are going to lead the resistance, you must first show the other employees of Popeye's Chicken that you are not afraid to stand up to company management. Your courage will earn the respect of chicken workers everywhere.
Every time you do a favor for a friend, it may later bring you good karma. Just in case it doesn't, make sure you write it down in a safe place so you can remind that friend later when you need bail money or a ride to the Talbot House sobriety counseling center.
Get out of the old breakfast routine. Have a bagel instead of malt liquor and see what that does to improve your day.
Your dog is shedding at about three times the normal rate. This is a sign for you to collect all of the hair and make a pretend dog. Then save a lot of money by giving your real dog to a better family.
You'll be getting some extra sleep this week. The bad news is it is going to happen while you are driving.