There is a bacteria in your microwave that explodes all over your food at the one minute mark of heating. Don't let anything go for more than 59 seconds.

Aries

The guy who keeps staring at you at the coffee shop thinks you sent him a nude photo in response to his ad on Craigslist. The staring will continue until you buy him a large mochachino as a gesture of good will.

Taurus

You are nurtured by the earth, air, and water. Heroin is a product of all these things so there's no reason to feel guilty about your continued abuse of this totally natural product of the earth.

Gemini

There is a solution to many of your problems hidden in the aisles of Home Depot. Search carefully, and pay special attention to the spackle section.

Cancer

Soaking your parakeet in motor oil to make him empathize with less fortunate wild birds who are victims of an oil spill was not a good idea. Showing him pictures on the intranet may have been a better option.

Leo

You are becoming overwhelmed by guilt. Father, turn yourself in to the Archdiocese.

Libra

Pause to reflect on a sunset today, but make sure to get back home before it is fully dark. There are a half dozen people in your neighborhood dying to jump a sunset starer.

Scorpio

How long are you planning to leave that expired milk in the refrigerator? It is going to sprout legs and eat start eating the other food.

Scorpio

You will be featured in a ShamWow infomercial, they will refer to you as the only mess a ShamWow can't clean up.

Sagittarius

Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.

Aquarius

Did you hear that noise? Yes, you did. No one else heard it, but you definitely did. Does this make you insane? Yes.

Aquarius

You are going to take a trip, but your luggage is going to take an even longer trip. At the conclusion of your journeys, your luggage will smell like goat urine, and will have had a better time than you.

Pisces