Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Monday, December 30th
Your constant visits to midget pornography sites on the internet will lead to a computer virus lurking in cyberspace that will be named after you.
That puppy you think you bonded with yesterday at the rescue shelter is praying you don't come back to adopt him. Don't take it personally but he just didn't feel the same way about you as you did about him.
It is time to ramp up your relationship to the next level. For your next meal, skip the drive thru and take her to a nice sit down meal at Bob Evans. Recommend that she order the knife and fork sandwich, and watch her eyes light up in awe at your sophistication.
Make sure you take that smut out of the DVD player before your next dinner party. Your guests won't be offended, they will want to reenact the movie scene by scene, and you are not going to like your part.
Spending your money on fine clothing, imported wine, and expensive cigars doesn't change the fact that you grew up in Norwood. You can never shake that. Save your money and let your inner Norwood shine through.
Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.
How long are you going to let that hair grow out of the mole on your neck? Either clip it, or braid it before someone else does.
The good news is you totally don't have to worry about impressing people at your upcoming 10 year high school reunion. The bad news is you can't go because you'll be on house arrest again.
If you're feeling a bit down, here's a quick pick-me-up idea. Bring that dog you've been neglecting to an animal shelter. They'll find a nice new family for him and you'll feel a lot better.
There are times when it is best to let the universe take care of everything. Washing your hair is not one of those situations. For goodness sake start lathering, rinsing and repeating.
You have the heart of a lion. It is in your freezer in aluminum foil. The sticker on it might say, ?Ground Beef?, but trust us, it is lion heart.
Reading text messages while driving is not advisable. The messages will not be important unless they warn you of the out of control gas tanker that will be speeding towards you in the near future.