our breathtaking newsletter

Weekly gloriousness sent to your inbox.

Drop your email address here»

Featured Local Event         full calendar»

Tuesday, April 22nd - 11:00 AM-11:00 PM

Taco Tuesdays @ Mt. Lookout Tavern (MLT's)

DERF Happy Hour

Friday, Apr 25 - 5:30PM-9:30PM

The Oak Tavern, $10 for 10 Beers -OR- 7 Cocktails!
lame horoscopes

Email To Friends   |    |  

Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Thursday, January 2nd

Taurus
At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.
Taurus
Taurus
Don't allow any Scorpios to handcuff you this week. If they offer, tell them you gave up handcuffing for lent.
Taurus
Cancer
Your lucky numbers this week are t, q, m, s, and h. Yep, you're lucky numbers are just as confused as you are.
Cancer
Cancer
Wonderful news! You are going to meet a nice new guy online who would like to take you on vacation! His name is Joran Van Der Sloot and he's paying for your one way ticket.
Cancer
Libra
Your current relationship isn't going to work out, but go ahead and have their name tattooed on your stomach. It will be a classy touch.
Libra
Scorpio
You are about to do your part to help stop global warming. You're going to testify before congress and show them those pit stains.
Scorpio
Scorpio
The good news is someone is going to buy you a gift you will really need. The bad news is it is a book entitled, 50 Things to do While Under House Arrest.
Scorpio
Sagittarius
This is a good week to consider finding a new companion. A DERF Gnome would be perfect for you. They're trained not to talk if they are more intelligent than their owner. Watch our CONTEST page for upcoming Gnome giveaways.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
You're going to make a huge impression this week. Your butt is going to make a sweaty, deep, permanent impression on your couch cushion.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Your dentist is becoming increasingly interested in sadism. Make sure you self-medicate before your next cleaning.
Aquarius
Aquarius
Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.
Aquarius
Aquarius
Did you hear that noise? Yes, you did. No one else heard it, but you definitely did. Does this make you insane? Yes.
Aquarius
«Return to most recent horoscopes

Events
Parties, concerts, nightlife, benefits, art, wine, sports, theater, and more.