You have a coworker who likes to roam around the office after hours licking people's chairs. He has sampled every one in the office except yours, which he finds foul.

Aries

Your neighbors are not impressed that you bought a Segway to reduce your fuel costs. In fact they think you're gay now. You can reverse the gay reputation by chopping a pile of wood in your front yard this weekend. And sell the Segway.

Aries

A large Samoan will come to you with a business proposition. Give him everything in your checking account, but hang on to some savings for the therapy you'll need.

Taurus

Tough times brings out the best in many people. In you, it brings out a desire to eat lots of carbs.

Gemini

Pause to reflect on a sunset today, but make sure to get back home before it is fully dark. There are a half dozen people in your neighborhood dying to jump a sunset starer.

Cancer

You will be featured in a ShamWow infomercial, they will refer to you as the only mess a ShamWow can't clean up.

Virgo

Third time's a charm. Hopefully this will hold true for you third attempt at the G.E.D test. Our recommended celebrity tattoo for you is Richard Grieco.

Libra

It is time to ramp up your relationship to the next level. For your next meal, skip the drive thru and take her to a nice sit down meal at Bob Evans. Recommend that she order the knife and fork sandwich, and watch her eyes light up in awe at your sophistication.

Scorpio

This would be a perfect time to evaluate your relationship. Actually, the perfect time would have been before you entered it, because it is doomed to failure and heartache.

Sagittarius

There was a time in your elementary school days where you were considered extremely attractive. It began on a Monday afternoon and ended the following Tuesday. Hopefully, you enjoyed it, because it will never happen again.

Sagittarius

You will attend a wedding soon and catch the bouquet. You will also catch a rare disease that was carried to this country from a South American flower.

Aquarius

There is reason to believe that your home is haunted. Luckily, the ghosts don't want to be around you any more than living people do...so they just keep to themselves in the utility closet.

Pisces