Something is giving you a headache this week. We think it's the cat litter you haven't changed in 18 months.

Aries

Went out drinking last night and forgot your house keys? Climbing through the doggie door would have been a good idea if you hadn't passed out and gotten stuck due to being 60 pounds overweight. Hopefully one of the neighbors will see you on their way to work this morning and help pull you out. And your dog is pissed.

Gemini

There is not a single reason to fear your future. There are hundreds of reasons, and they are all painfully obvious.

Gemini

Your dreams are going to be filled with many images of lesbian ducks. This is your subconscious telling you to shower more often. Listen to your subconscious.

Gemini

There is a bacteria in your microwave that explodes all over your food at the one minute mark of heating. Don't let anything go for more than 59 seconds.

Leo

Worried about growing old and lonely? Come on, you should be used the loneliness by now. Your best bet is to suck it up and get a better TV.

Leo

They just found your Dad's ?Members Only' jacket in the Cincinnati time capsule. Oh wait that's yours? Ouch.

Libra

Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.

Libra

The expiration dates on your hair products are older than the expiration date on your hairstyle. Get a new cut and ditch those Kenny Chesney 1988 style faded jeans. They look ridiculous on Kenny Chesney and even worse on you.

Capricorn

People see you as having great honor, integrity, charm, warmth, generosity, and intellect. No wait, that's not you. We mixed you up with someone else. But maybe if you quit smoking so much weed you could at least be seen as a little bit less of a loser.

Aquarius

The good news is there is a company that would like to hire you. The bad news is it's Time Warner Cable. We recommend passing on the job. Working for the worst run company in the United States will be worse for your resume than continued unemployment.

Aquarius

Signs of success should be celebrated no matter how small they are. Get a microscope and hope for the best.

Pisces