Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Thursday, June 12th
Do not feel guilty about the time you ignored a friend who tends to cry wolf. How could you know that whiney friend was being ripped apart on a hiking trip in Mt. Airy Forest by an actual pack of wolves who's migration from Alaska was previously undetected.
It is time to ramp up your relationship to the next level. For your next meal, skip the drive thru and take her to a nice sit down meal at Bob Evans. Recommend that she order the knife and fork sandwich, and watch her eyes light up in awe at your sophistication.
You have the sensitive frailty of a tiny spring flower, and a similar IQ.
Your girlfriend loves when you speak like Yoda. Keep doing it even when she seems irritated about it. When you really feel like you have gone too far, switch to Borat.
Make sure you take that smut out of the DVD player before your next dinner party. Your guests won't be offended, they will want to reenact the movie scene by scene, and you are not going to like your part.
Don't be afraid to make new friends. In fact, don't be afraid to give them the keys to your house and your ATM card.
Stressful moments can be overcome by quiet, meditative reflection. However, your mind may not be cut out for meditative reflection. Try numbing yourself with cough syrup instead.
This is a good week to consider finding a new companion. A DERF Gnome would be perfect for you. They're trained not to talk if they are more intelligent than their owner. Watch our CONTEST page for upcoming Gnome giveaways.
Giving up caffeine is a good idea. But suddenly replacing that daily energy jolt with meth amphetamines is bad choice. Start with Redbull and work your way up
Here's a new drinking game and a wonderful way to improve yourself. Every time Heidi Montag has a plastic surgery procedure, you drink plus you get the same procedure. There are other variations but this is the basic game.
The guy who keeps staring at you at the coffee shop thinks you sent him a nude photo in response to his ad on Craigslist. The staring will continue until you buy him a large mochachino as a gesture of good will.
The good news is someone is going to buy you a gift you will really need. The bad news is it is a book entitled, 50 Things to do While Under House Arrest.