Email To Friends | |
Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.
Thursday, June 26th
This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.
The timing belt on your car is about to stop working. It will stop working exactly one millisecond after a semi crushes it into a retaining wall.
Your dog is shedding at about three times the normal rate. This is a sign for you to collect all of the hair and make a pretend dog. Then save a lot of money by giving your real dog to a better family.
Someone in Canada is thinking about you right now. Actually, they are looking at pictures of you that your ex just posted on the internet. Nice thong.
The stars are perfectly aligned for you to receive a fast food meal with 34% less bacteria than usual.
During the next lunar eclipse, the planets will be perfectly aligned for you to be subject to enormous amounts of luck. Unfortunately, you will be spending this time tied up in a meat locker. But the next morning you will be allowed to keep a six pound standing rib roast that you used as a pillow.
That puppy you think you bonded with yesterday at the rescue shelter is praying you don't come back to adopt him. Don't take it personally but he just didn't feel the same way about you as you did about him.
There is an entire division of P&G scientists working deep underground to develop a detergent that can handle the kind of stains you create while eating Hot Pockets after you come home from the bar every night.
Travel at this time is not recommended. The stars are not correctly aligned for it, and your parole officer is not going to approve it anyway.
At least you are alone by choice. Though, it is the choice of others.
Your luckiest moment in this moon cycle will occur at the same time as your most unlucky moment. This will result in you just sitting there with nothing happening. Just like always.
You will be visited in your dreams by a mythical lion who will tell you the secret to eternal happiness. You will then be visited while awake by a real lion who will maul and eat you.