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lame horoscopes

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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Wednesday, January 25th

Aries
Car part prices, mustache grooming equipment, and certain farming principles. Regarding everything else, always seek the advice of a qualified professional.
Aries
Gemini
Your dentist will miss a few problems during your next visit. He enjoys the nitrous oxide even more than you do.
Gemini
Cancer
It is highly recommended that you get a perm. The style might not look good on you, but the smell of hair products will divert attention from the other scents on your body.
Cancer
Cancer
Travel at this time is not recommended. The stars are not correctly aligned for it, and your parole officer is not going to approve it anyway.
Cancer
Cancer
Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.
Cancer
Virgo
Third time's a charm. Hopefully this will hold true for you third attempt at the G.E.D test. Our recommended celebrity tattoo for you is Richard Grieco.
Virgo
Libra
There is reason to believe that your economic situation will be improving. But you must be willing to embrace prostitution as a temporary means to an end.
Libra
Libra
Like an old dog, you are reluctant to learn new tricks. Also like an old dog, you are flatulent and your fur has seen better days.
Libra
Capricorn
Watch for hidden messages in Brady Bunch reruns. The message will be hidden in Mike Brady's perm.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Don't eat any shellfish between now and August 15th 2011. Unless you're a big fan of having your face swell up like a balloon, then dive right in.
Aquarius
Aquarius
This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.
Aquarius
Pisces
You're going to be making several self-discoveries in the coming days. One of them involves finding something repulsive living in your belly button.
Pisces
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