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Saturday, April 18th - 5:30 PM-10:30 PM

Once in a Lifetime Gala & Auction @ Horseshoe Casino Cincinnati

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lame horoscopes

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Depressing & Uninspiring. Every Wednesday.
Send to friends to ruin their day too.


Thursday, March 5th

Aries
If you have a friend that needs some harsh advice, don't take the risk of delivering it in person. Write them an anonymous note but make it look like a mutual friend's handwriting so they'll get blamed in case there are hard feelings.
Aries
Taurus
When the clock strikes eleven tonight, it would be a smart move for you to open and close the front door repeatedly while screaming the lyrics to American Pie.
Taurus
Gemini
You have the sensitive frailty of a tiny spring flower, and a similar IQ.
Gemini
Cancer
Your job prospects might improve if you sneak over the border to Mexico and look for a fruit picking job.
Cancer
Leo
Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.
Leo
Virgo
Your dreams are going to be filled with many images of lesbian ducks. This is your subconscious telling you to shower more often. Listen to your subconscious.
Virgo
Libra
There was a time in your elementary school days where you were considered extremely attractive. It began on a Monday afternoon and ended the following Tuesday. Hopefully, you enjoyed it, because it will never happen again.
Libra
Scorpio
Describing your pet as a rescue is not impressing your friends. They know you would never climb down a well to rescue anything.
Scorpio
Sagittarius
A large Samoan will come to you with a business proposition. Give him everything in your checking account, but hang on to some savings for the therapy you'll need.
Sagittarius
Capricorn
By the time you get home from work today your wife will have ended one affair and started another. We can barely keep up with the worthless tramp. You need to put the smack down on that bizotch asap.
Capricorn
Aquarius
Your lucky numbers for the week are hidden in your supervisor's back hair. Search carefully, but search soon because there is a waxing in his future.
Aquarius
Pisces
This week if you may look in the mirror and notice an attractive and intelligent person looking back at you. That's your roommate looking at the one-way mirror you secretly installed in her bedroom.
Pisces


Previous Weeks:

Wednesday, January 21st
Friday, December 19th
Thursday, November 6th

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