When you hear a ticking clock, think of how each second of your life is an opportunity. You also might want to investigate where that ticking is coming from, you are not immune to bomb threats.

Aries

Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.

Taurus

There is a solution to many of your problems hidden in the aisles of Home Depot. Search carefully, and pay special attention to the spackle section.

Gemini

You need to get in touch with your natural instincts, and learn to start ignoring them. They've only gotten you into trouble so far.

Cancer

This week you will have several moments of self-doubt. Each and every one of them will be based in hard fact. Spend as much time as possible hiding under the covers.

Leo

This week give yourself permission to be irritated when bars around town seem to clear out after you check-in there on Foursquare.

Virgo

You are going to produce a sweat stain on your date's couch that looks like the Mona Lisa. Take a picture of it, then get out of there quick before anyone notices

Libra

Your local weight watchers meeting should be avoided at all costs. They have pictures of you eating a corn dog on the wall that they use as a motivational tool.

Scorpio

You will soon be on a game show. The host is going to mock you, the audience is going to laugh at you, and there will be no parting gifts.

Sagittarius

You have nothing to fear this week. Except bedbugs. Lots and lots of bedbugs. They are all hungry and they are the only creatures on the planet that find you delicious.

Capricorn

Find a quiet calm in the storm by turning to the beauty of nature. Get a real good look at that flowered garden because it is about to be carried away by a twister.

Aquarius

Make sure you take that smut out of the DVD player before your next dinner party. Your guests won't be offended, they will want to reenact the movie scene by scene, and you are not going to like your part.

Pisces