Pause to reflect on a sunset today, but make sure to get back home before it is fully dark. There are a half dozen people in your neighborhood dying to jump a sunset starer.

Aries

Having difficulty finding people to invest in your business idea? The business of organ harvesting is not for every investor. Don't give up. There's a market for healthy organs taken illegally from unsuspecting drunk guys staying at the Motel 6.

Taurus

There are people in your life who love to see you fail miserably at everything you do. You've been making them really happy. Keep up the good work.

Gemini

As Jupiter aligns with Saturn, so shall your stomach hang down on top of and align with your thighs every time you sit down.

Cancer

You will be featured in a ShamWow infomercial, they will refer to you as the only mess a ShamWow can't clean up.

Leo

You are becoming overwhelmed by guilt. Father, turn yourself in to the Archdiocese.

Virgo

The guy who keeps staring at you at the coffee shop thinks you sent him a nude photo in response to his ad on Craigslist. The staring will continue until you buy him a large mochachino as a gesture of good will.

Libra

You will soon be on a game show. The host is going to mock you, the audience is going to laugh at you, and there will be no parting gifts.

Scorpio

On the fence again? For you thats a more of a literal expression because you got wasted and passed out while climbing over a fence to take a shortcut home.

Sagittarius

Use a civil tone when addressing your enemies this week, but go ahead and scream at your parents for no reason. They deserve it for making you into the empty shell that you are.

Capricorn

Don't give in to any fits of road rage this weekend. A better time for that would be next Tuesday...an excellent day for an occasional display of that handgun. This lets other motorists know you mean business.

Aquarius

Travel at this time is not recommended. The stars are not correctly aligned for it, and your parole officer is not going to approve it anyway.

Pisces