Your neighbors are not impressed that you bought a Segway to reduce your fuel costs. In fact they think you're gay now. You can reverse the gay reputation by chopping a pile of wood in your front yard this weekend. And sell the Segway.

Aries

Your constant visits to midget pornography sites on the internet will lead to a computer virus lurking in cyberspace that will be named after you.

Taurus

People have noticed you use the word "baller" 3-4 times per day. Try to cut back a bit. This could significantly lower your douche factor.

Gemini

Your last two restaurant meals contained traces of vermin droppings. Fortunately, you are immune to them because of the infestation in your kitchen.

Cancer

On your next trip to the track, bet on the number two horse. It isn't going to win, but you will find a new love who adores the way you scream, Deuce! C'mon deuce!

Leo

Gravy is not a beverage.

Virgo

You are about to do your part to help stop global warming. You're going to testify before congress and show them those pit stains.

Libra

There is an entire division of P&G scientists working deep underground to develop a detergent that can handle the kind of stains you create while eating Hot Pockets after you come home from the bar every night.

Scorpio

Your unlucky numbers are 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and any combination or repetition of these digits. Also, all fractions are included.

Sagittarius

Reading text messages while driving is not advisable. The messages will not be important unless they warn you of the out of control gas tanker that will be speeding towards you in the near future.

Capricorn

This week you will have several moments of self-doubt. Each and every one of them will be based in hard fact. Spend as much time as possible hiding under the covers.

Aquarius

You'll soon encounter that weird kid who you made fun of in junior high school. He'll be conducting your job interview, and he remembers you well.

Pisces