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Saturday, Nov 22 - 8:00PM-1:00AM
THE RUSTY GRISWOLDS PRESENT: THE RUSTY BALL @ Northern Kentucky Convention Center
Email To FriendsDepressing and uninspiring. Updated every Wednesday. Wed, Novemeber 12, 2008 Wed, Novemeber 5, 2008
Aries: Brain implants are not technically feasible yet but it's only a matter of time. So do yourself a favor and get on the waiting list. If there was ever a perfect candidte, it's you!
Taurus: It's time for you to know you have a very low compatibility profile with your spouse. You're both nice people but it's just not going to work. Time to get the paperwork started.
Gemini: You will meet the woman of your dreams tonight and she will ask you for your number. But in this case she means credit card number.
Cancer: Your therapist, personal trainer, and hair stylist are all changing professions just so they don't have to work with you any longer.
Leo: Watch your money closely this week. Your roommate is planning to steal back the twenty bucks you stole from her last week.
Virgo: This is the week to start stalking that special person you've been thinking about. Virgos do well stalking Geminis. If you don't have time to begin a stalking program think about hiring a personal stalker.
Libra: The love of your life is finally ready to get married. Congratulate her and her fiancé then go cry in the corner.
Scorpio: This week one phase of your life will end and another door will open. The high speed police chase you will be in will end and a prison door will open.
Sagittarius: The reason your butt looks big in those pants is because you have a huge butt.
Capricorn: People at the DERF Happy Hour Parties constantly ask about you. It's getting kind of annoying. Please start showing up more regularly or you may be banned for life. Stay tuned for more details about the next DERF Happy Hour on Friday December 5 at THE STAND in Mt. Lookout.
Aquarius: You will soon make a new acquaintance. His name is Chris Hansen and he is the host of the ABC show, "To Catch A Predator".
Pisces: Have you ever wondered why people keep telling you it's not Halloween? Time for a makeover.
Aries: Your boyfriend has been spending lot of time maintaining his handgun lately. Sleep with one eye open. Dude's wiggin'.
Taurus: Venus and Pluto are in alignment this month. Too bad your teeth aren't.
Gemini: When your personal relationship becomes rocky this month and you're told, "Don't worry, it's not you, it's me." Trust us, it's totally you.
Cancer: It's true the camera adds twenty pounds. What's your excuse?
Leo: This is definitely your lucky month. But don't push it, put down that Miss USA application and pick up one for Hooters.
Virgo: Stop crying. On some level, you always knew he/she was a transsexual. Also, unfortunately your celebrity look alike is Carrot Top. Ouch.
Libra: Your celebrity birthday matches: Princess Di, John F. Kennedy Jr., Sonny Bono, and Anna Nicole Smith. Best to stay indoors and off TrimSpa this month.
Scorpio: The sponsorship funds for that 5K charity Walk/Run were not intended to pay your rent. Stop stealing from non-profits.
Sagittarius: Stay clear of alcoholic beverages this month, unless you see the movie Nights in Rodanthe starring Richard Gere. Everyone needs a drink to get through that.
Capricorn: The stars indicate the vocation that best fits your natural talent is farming. Sorry.
Aquarius: Match.com is cancelling your account this week due to insufficient personality.
Pisces: This horoscope has been ommitted due to a strange conglomeration of planetary gasses that is generating a highly volotile electric pulse and interfering with your zodiac pressure zone.
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Wed, October 28, 2008 |
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Aries: Aries everywhere are known as people who get things started. It should come as no surprise that this is perfect time to start that project you've put on the back burner. But get those thoughts of arson out of your head. |
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Taurus: Just because he slept with you doesn't mean he loves you. He's your father not your boyfriend. |
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Gemini: It's time to give your significant other a bar of soap and tell her that perfume is not a form of hygiene. |
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Cancer: Someone will soon have a deeper understanding of you. Unfortunately it's the proctologist who is performing your colonoscopy this week. |
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Leo: Your financial future does not look good. The repairs from the meth lab explosion are not covered by insurance. |
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Virgo: Forget what all the "experts" have been telling you; virtually everything he does and says means he's not going to propose. |
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Libra: Fight your feelings to tell your closest girlfriend a deep, dark secret. Before you even finish telling her she'll have a text message drafted and ready for distribution. |
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Scorpio: Your boss's birthday is coming up, and he expects you to give him a gift. Why don't you give him what he really deserves: take a laxative and redecorate his office. |
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Sagittarius: A change of perspective can really make a world of difference. This Saturday morning, when you wake up next to a complete stranger, think of it as a chance to practice your mingling skills. |
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Capricorn: If your friends are giving you the cold shoulder for no apparent reason, maybe you should reconsider your unsightly facial hair. For a girl that is quite a mustache. |
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Aquarius: Your marriage has been causing you stress lately. But think how stressful it would be without the extra-marital affair. Count on your mistress to get you through the marital rough patches. |
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Pisces: See Libra but spell it out on construction paper using yarn and Elmer's glue. |
| Wed, October 22, 2008 |
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Aquarius ( Jan 20 - Feb 18) - The Zodiac signs you are no longer compatible with are: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, & Pisces. |
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Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - The fortune cookie you read yesterday was a complete lie. Never trust a fortune cookie. Horoscopes are much more reliable. |
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - You will gain a renewed sense of freedom this week.....mostly because your getting out of jail. |
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Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - It was a big mistake to base you weight loss regimen on a book entitled, "Choosing the Right Doughnuts for Your Body Type". |
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Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - Take time to be proud of your recent accomplishments. If there aren't any then keep this in mind for the future in case you ever accomplish something. |
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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You may encounter a slight scheduling conflict this week. You are planning an alcohol intervention for a friend who is also planning one for you at the same time. |
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Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Congratulations! They're making a new Zodiac sign just for you. Its called Geminidiot. |
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Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - If you're considering marrying a Sagittarius anytime soon, get a good pre-nup. |
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Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - See Leo above but read it loudly in Starbucks with an English accent. People will begin to greatly respect you for your wisdom and intuition. |
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Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - Stop telling people you have your own apartment. Paying your parents to live in their basement doesn't count. |
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Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - A good way to spend your free time this week is getting your G.E.D. |
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Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan19) - A Scorpio will stop by to pay you a visit this week. Her name is Rhonda and she's your probation officer. Make sure you're sober. |
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Aquarius ( Jan 20 - Feb 18) - Not sure who the father is? Pick the one with the earliest parole date. |
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Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - Your excuse for not voting in the upcoming election is a valid one. Prison inmates are not allowed to vote. Have some fun with it by holding a mock election in your cell block. |
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Depressed about not being invited to the neighborhood block party? It’s probably that sexual predator conviction rearing it’s ugly head again. No one buys your story that it a clerical error. |
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Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - Just as you suspected, people are going out of their way NOT to read your blog. You might as well write your thoughts on a piece of paper and put it in the garbage. At least maybe a few of the Rumpke people might read it. |
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Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You are highly respected in your community. Unfortunately your community is Big Bone Lick Kentucky. Being respected there is actually a bad thing. |
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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - You actually shoplifted from the Good Will store? There’s only one thing that’s lower….robbing a guy that just shoplifted from a Good Will store. |
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Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - Wondering why people often tell you that you need a makeover? Let’s see…how can we put this delicately? They’re right. You look hideous. |
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Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - The stars indicate you were a total loser in a previous life. Not much has changed this time around except that now you also have a blog. |
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Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You will feel better about yourself if you donate some clothes to the Salvation Army. How about donating the clothes that you bought there last year? |
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Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - Your parents are considering putting you up for adoption. This is very disturbing considering you are 22 years old. They must be really tired of your problems. |
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Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - You are feeling down about being rejected by another online degree program. Keep your chin up. You’ve been accepted for a weekend drug and alcohol counseling weekend at the Talbot House. |
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Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan19) - You have unknowingly had an intimate relationship with a transvestite. To add insult to injury, you still consider this person one of your best ex’s. |
Wed, October 8, 2008 |
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Aquarius ( Jan 20 - Feb 18) - You have way too much stuff in your house/apartment. You can give some of it away to charity but that is time consuming and not very satisfying a few minutes after you drop it off. We recommend placing it in your cul-de-sac after dark and lighting it on fire. The joy of this will stay with you forever. |
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Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20) - Just because mankind can achieve amazing results, such as landing on the moon, that doesn’t mean you can do anything significant or amazing. Wake up tomorrow, go to work, and stop expecting great things from yourself. |
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Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19) - Make your choices based on the assumption that everything is going to work out….except for bank robbery. That takes a lot more meticulous planning if you want it to go the way you hope. |
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Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20) - Always a take a stance even if you don’t really understand the issues. Later you can hold an improvised sock puppet session by yourself to achieve mental clarity. |
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Gemini (May 21 - June 21) - You are strong and you can handle almost any problem that comes your way. The only areas you are helpless in are: Emotional, Financial, Vocational, Recreational, Motivational, Sexual, and Spiritual. |
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Cancer (June 22 - July 22) - Is there a leprechaun in your head constantly telling you to burn stuff? Try to ignore him but don’t beat yourself up if you give in once in a while. |
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Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - See Virgo and add a sock puppet to the equation. |
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Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - Before considering polygamy, get the facts. Especially the stuff about the excessive tax preparation requirements. This could be enough to make you look for a more traditional marital arrangement. |
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Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - Being a hard worker doesn’t make up for stupidity. In case you haven’t noticed, your solid work ethic gets you nowhere. Try to find a vocation more suited to your limited mental ability. Your celebrity soul mate is Jason Priestly...sorry :( |
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Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21) - Have you noticed the drones growing in power? You should cloak your presence from their ever watchful eye. But what if they have anti-cloaking technology? You have no choice but to sneak into their research facility and steal this technology. What if they know you’re coming? Confuse them by sending a clone, then while they’re distracted with the clone the real you sneaks in and mission accomplished! But wait, what if the clone betrays you? You must kill the clone beforehand and send a duplicate clone. |
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Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21) - See Taurus and add the words, “urinary tract infection”. |
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Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan19) - Stop telling everyone your favorite movie is Shawshank Redemption. It makes you seem so unoriginal. |
