Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.
Note for dumb people: None of these animals actually died. We just wrote their fake obituaries. We don't hate
animals and we don't read stupid complaints.
Departed goldfish unecognizable due to bloating
Steve Gebnik made the discovery every goldfish owner dreads when he went to feed his two swimming pets. There, floating on his side, was Fred, or Oscar. "I'm not really sure," Gebnik says. "I'm pretty sure it was Fred, because he was slightly bigger than Oscar, but with the bloating it's hard to be absolutely certain."
Boa Constrictor drowns underneath large load of delicates
Chimp, beloved TV star, dead at 44
Bongo the monkey, best known for his work on the ‘70s children’s TV series CiCi’s Circus, Monkey Business and Senator Chimp, has passed at age 44.
Rory the Hamster exposed as imposter; Real Rory died months ago
Kyle Himnaub's worst suspicions were realized late last week, when he finally confirmed that his hamster Rory was in fact an imposter. The “real” Rory it seems passed away several months ago while in the care of Kyle’s parents. “We’re not sure what happened to Rory,” said Kyle’s father Richard. “We just got a new hamster, and figured no one would be the wiser. Despite his solid “C” average, Kyle knew something was amiss upon his return from summer camp. As it turns out, Kyle’s twin brother Max did not go to summer camp and was privy to the whole charade. The plot was exposed when Max, who had been grounded, switched places with his brother in order to attend a concert. Thinking she was talking to Max, Mrs. Himnaub asked if Kyle perhaps noticed it was a different Rory. “They did it to because they were trying to spare my feelings, so I understand,” said Kyle. “It’s kind of like the time I had two dates for the same dance. I didn’t want to hurt either girls’ feelings so I went to the dance and spent the whole night running back and forth between them while my friend Pete ran blocker.” Mr. Roper could not be reached for comment.
Pet Rock Dead at 35
Arthur the pet rock past away last Saturdaynight. He was 35. “I thought he’d be around forever,” mused his owner Kurt Rumbleson. “But the other day I went down to the rec room, and new right away he was gone. People said he wouldn’t last six months when I first got him back in ‘75, but he was a fighter. Everyone made fun of him, poor little guy, but you know what? Everyone secretly wanted to be him. Whenever someone comes up with a stupid product or idea what do they say? ‘Maybe it’ll be the next pet rock.’ Well, I don’t think so, no sir.” Arthur’s actual age was somewhat older than 35, probably closer to 4.6 Billion. Formed by heat, gravitational forces and immense pressure, Arthur was one of thousands of rocks domesticated in the mid 1970s by for a hurried and slightly dim-witted public. “We were close,” says Rumbleson. “He was my always there. He was my strength in tough times. He was like, uh…something heavy that’s always there. Like a big tree.” Arthur will not be buried. Instead, Rumbleson plans to have him stuffed. “That way he’ll always be with me.”
Defiant deer no match for Dodge Ram pick-up.
Bucky the deer, a local fixture in Miami Township, was struck and killed by a Dodge Ram pick-up driven by Walter Hemi.
The O.F.F. Market at MadTree Brewery