Mt. Orab - Freeway was a frisky and curious husky mix who enjoyed long walks, kibble, and barking at passersby.  Freeway’s short life came to an end after making his way into his owner’s basement meth lab, and overindulging on Sudafed.

“I knew I should have cooked that meth up in the camper,” said distraught owner Russell Obermeyer.  “Poor little guy probably didn’t even get high before going on to doggie heaven.”

Freeway’s owners can also be blamed for the accident due to Obermeyer’s unfortunate choice in chew toys.  Weeks earlier, Obermeyer purchased Freeway a squeaking plastic toy that looked like a box of nasal decongestant.  “I thought it was a cute,” said Obermeyer since we cook meth and everything.  It really matched the theme of our house.”

06.02.2010

Russell the boarder collie had seemingly endless energy, but that spark of life was extinguished after a fateful trip to the dog park.  Russle’s owner, Gregory Hollis, explains, “The little fella just loved the dog park.  He would herd up the other dogs, run around like crazy, and generally try to be the center of attention.”

On this day, the attention of the dark park was focused on a Great Dane named Sampson.  Despite his size, Sampson exhibited great dexterity and leaping ability, flying  through the air catching a frisbee.

“You could tell that Russell was feeling slighted,” said Gregory.  “All eyes at the park were on this giant dog that could jump fifteen feet in the air.  I guess he was trying to top him when he started climbing that cell phone tower.”

In fact, Russell had jumped the dog park fence and made his way to the top of a nearby scaffolded tower.  As Sampson made his way to catch another high flung frisbee, Russell leapt and attempted to snatch it from an even higher vantage point.  Though he did manage to catch the frisbee before Sampson, the height of his leap made for a fatal impact.

01.27.2010

Ocala, Florida:  For seven years, Benson the peacock roamed the grounds of the Marion Oaks country club golf course.  He could often be seen proudly strutting across the ninth fairway, or relaxing in a favorite bunker just off the putting green on hole number twelve.

Benson’s life of pomp and elegance came to an end, as golfer Gary Stocker’s rage got the best of him.  After slicing a tee shot into a lake, Gary screamed that he was giving up the game forever, and then threw his club violently skyward.  The club twirled end over end through the air, ultimately landing on Benson, and crushing his skull.

Benson survived a few similar incidents over the years.  He narrowly missed a putter thrown at him in the summer of 2002, and spent the summer of 2004 with a discarded golf tee wedged into his regal plumage. 

Gary Stocker has been banned from playing the course, and will be responsible for providing Marion Oaks with a new bird.  His Big Bertha driver was not returned to him, and will be used as a grave marker to display a memorial plaque above Benson’s final resting place, just off the 13th green.

01.20.2010

Florence:  Kate Flynn spent a year of her life steadily losing weight thanks to a tapeworm in her intestinal tract which she named William.  After passing out at the dinner table, Kate’s family finally forced her to go to the doctor, resulting in measures to remove her beloved intestinal companion.

As the pounds melted away, Kate knew she was being helped along by something.  At first she gave credit to her guardian angel.  Soon, it became apparent via abdominal pain, weakness and bathroom issues that the credit belonged to a tapeworm.  Kate quickly came to love her new intestinal pet, and named him William.

“I just wish I had been a little more awake when he came out,” sobbed Kate.  “I just wanted the chance to say goodbye and thank him for his help and companionship.”

Kate has no plans for finding a new pet, but will not rule out the possibility.  “Maybe in a few months I’ll be ready, but right now even the thought of having another tapeworm breaks my heart.  I guess I’ll know when the time is right to go drink some Mexican tap water and start a new relationship.”

01.20.2010

Jennifer Packer has given up hope for the return of her four year old cat, Mooshie. Mooshie was, by all accounts, a delightful pet. She enjoyed playing with little wads of paper, catnip, and roaming around the neighborhood.

One of Mooshie’s favorite spots to wander was through the alley that separates Jennifer’s apartment from the Kong Sun Chinese Buffet. She would look through the garbage for treats, and always enjoyed getting a friendly pat from members of the kitchen staff.

Jennifer talked about the plans for the memorial while sitting in a booth at the buffet that overlooks Mooshie’s favorite alley. “We’re going to gather some of her cat friends right here in the restaurant,” she explained. “You’d think the owners wouldn’t want to have a bunch of animals in the restaurant, but they were thrilled with the idea.”

“This place is really special,” Jennifer said, while taking bites of her lunch. “The people are nice, and the food is really, really good. It tastes quite exotic, yet very familiar at the same time.”

05.06.2009

CINCINNATI - Eleven year old Tyler Palmer is responsible for one of the largest mass pet killings in local history, after dumping his entire tank of sea monkeys into the toilet.  Three weeks earlier he'd given the tank a place of honor on the book shelf next to his baseball trophies, but the relationship took a rocky turn.

"When I saw the ad in my comic book, they were like all dancing around and wearing clothes and they had arms and they were waving and they looked like monkeys but underwater monkeys." explained an exasperated and jumpy Tyler. "But all I ended up with was a bunch of little things that just floated there and looked like boogers."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Sea Monkeys spokesperson Sandy Falwell was horrified by the news. "Every day, stories like this come across my desk, and it never gets any easier.  At least he gave them a water burial like a maritime creature deserves."

04.15.2009