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pet obituaries

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Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.
Note for dumb people:  None of these animals actually died.  We just wrote their fake obituaries.  We don't hate
animals and we don't read stupid complaints. 

Blue Jay suffers lethal head injury after hitting window while attacking another Blue Jay that looks just like him

Blue Jay suffers lethal head injury after hitting window while attacking another Blue Jay that looks just like him


Though he and his friends terrorized many neighborhood birdfeeders, Ace the blue jay was a well known fixture in many Mt. Washington backyards. “Oh, he was a hell-raiser,” said Mr. Edward Tarmac. “He’d shove cardinals, robins, even his fellow blue jays right off our birdfeeder.” Certainly the feistiest of the blue jays, Ace was known to have a volatile temper. This past weekend, while nibbling at the feeder of the Ornok family, Ace spotted another blue jay eyeing the seeds, grain other avian goodies. “He kept looking up from the birdfeeder at the house,” said Mrs. Ornok. “Nibble, look up, nibble, look up. Finally he flew straight at our family room window, and made a hollow thud as he hit it.” Undeterred, Ace flew off, but returned only seconds later, again striking the window. After several attempts to thwart his rival, Ace fell to the deck, lifeless. “Hopefully,” lamented Mr. Ornok, “even though it turned out to be his own reflection, he passed on believing he got the other blue jay. Good grief, birds are stupid.”


Ant farm wiped out in flash flood


“I thought the basement would be the prefect place for my ant farm,” said eight-year old Steven Manwich. “It’s underground, and the temperature stays pretty even.” What Steven didn’t realize is that the family’s basement can be prone to flooding. “I had set the farm on the floor to get a better look at it,” said Steven. “They were tunneling away, and walking around and…well, it was kind of boring, so I went upstairs to play Mario Kart.” While playing the video game, a thunderstorm rolled in, dropping several inches of rain in less than an hour. “I went down to the basement to grab a flashlight, in case the power went out, and that’s when I saw the ant farm floating in about two feet of water.” The farm remained afloat for several minutes, but began to take on water. “I tried to reach it, but I didn’t want to get my socks wet. That’s such a gross feeling,” Steven stated. The farm sank with all ants on board. Clean-up crews arrived the following day. “Yeah, the Shop-Vac took care of it pretty quick,” said Mr. Manwich. Some survivors have been found around the house. “They’re everywhere!” exclaimed Mrs. Manwich. Steven has been gathering them up, and has refilled the old farm with fresh sand. “Hopefully they can rebuild their society, and make it even better than it was before.”


Well-dressed terrier dies of embarrassment

Speckles was always a happy dog. However, his mood would grow sullen when his owner, Mrs. B.R. Reynolds of Mt. Airy, would dress him up in what she thought were adorable little outfits.

“A coat and tie, a jogging suit and a raincoat with matching hat were some of my favorites,” she said. Speckles, however, felt differently. Though he reluctantly went along with his owners fashion senses, despite snickers from the other dogs in the neighborhood,  she finally went too far.

“It was a warm day,” Mrs. Reynolds recalled. “It felt like the tropics. I thought Speckles would look adorable in a Hawaiian short and khaki shorts and a pair of black socks like her late husband used to wear.  “As we took are morning walk, I noticed the other dogs barking more than usual. I assumed they were jealous.” That’s when she noticed something odd. “Speckles had stopped walking and just lay there on the sidewalk. He wouldn’t move. And then I realized he had passed.”

Local veterinarian, Dr. Vincent Chesley, confirmed the cause of death as embarrassment, though ruled it accidental. “She thought she was making the dog look better, but like a lot of folks, she didn’t understand that dog’s know when they look ridiculous.”


Floppy the bunny leaves behind too many offspring to name

Floppy the Bunny, mate of Cuddles, pet of Jacob and Emily, nemesis of Shelly the Turtle, passed away last Friday after a long illness. Floppy will be remembered for his long ears, remarkable eyesight and his love of Easter. In his spare time he collected Playboy memorabilia, watched Bugs Bunny cartoons and enjoyed reading the selected works of John Updike.

He is survived by Cuddles, and by his offspring Cutey, Freckles, Whiskers, Fluffy, Cottonball, Q-Tip, Softy, Quicksilver, Hoppy, Harvey, Roger, Floppy Jr., Lightning, French, Bun Bun, Rory, Sqreezeums, Peter, Bobby, Greg, Twinkles, Sir Fluffington, Speedy, Helvetica, Kumboshnik, Mick, Spike, Strawberry, Jack, Sparky, Hobbs, Jumpy, Gibberish, Lightfoot, Bubbles, Loafdish, Mini-Floppy, Lars, Winky, Spot, Krienik, Salvo, Thor, Thumper, Thunder, Tugger, Cloudy, Obsidian, Magic, Holly, Trevor, Mr. Snerd, Homer, Fred, Casper, King, Leggy, Sir Hopsalot, Hossenfeffer, Goldy, Lancelot, Peyton, Eli, Conrad, Bouncy, Lovey, Fang, Chyna, Einstein, Waffles, Knuckles, Igor, Ariel, Jasper, Almas, Regal, Curly, Chuck, Nunchuck, Nonsense, Crystal, Franklin, Antoine, Lon, Peppy, Gnarls, Chocolate, Ivy, Peace, Barack, Squint, Crash, Von Schmooh, Nutkin, Loopy, Hans, Jumpy, Sleepy, Sasquatch, Golf, Spencer, Otto, Pathos, Lem, Neil, Oscar, Zed, Merlin, Andover, Esteban, Spock, Noodles, Fleck, Hitchcock, Alabaster, Orny, Octavio, Whistler, Rumpke, Tandy, Lavorshnik, Racer X, Hermes....and possibly hundreds of others who's names remain unknown.


Puppy overdoses on meth lab Sudafed supply

Mt. Orab - Freeway was a frisky and curious husky mix who enjoyed long walks, kibble, and barking at passersby.  Freeway’s short life came to an end after making his way into his owner’s basement meth lab, and overindulging on Sudafed.

“I knew I should have cooked that meth up in the camper,” said distraught owner Russell Obermeyer.  “Poor little guy probably didn’t even get high before going on to doggie heaven.”

Freeway’s owners can also be blamed for the accident due to Obermeyer’s unfortunate choice in chew toys.  Weeks earlier, Obermeyer purchased Freeway a squeaking plastic toy that looked like a box of nasal decongestant.  “I thought it was a cute,” said Obermeyer since we cook meth and everything.  It really matched the theme of our house.”



Russell the excitable boarder collie dies trying to show off at dog park

Russell the boarder collie had seemingly endless energy, but that spark of life was extinguished after a fateful trip to the dog park.  Russle’s owner, Gregory Hollis, explains, “The little fella just loved the dog park.  He would herd up the other dogs, run around like crazy, and generally try to be the center of attention.”

On this day, the attention of the dark park was focused on a Great Dane named Sampson.  Despite his size, Sampson exhibited great dexterity and leaping ability, flying  through the air catching a frisbee.

“You could tell that Russell was feeling slighted,” said Gregory.  “All eyes at the park were on this giant dog that could jump fifteen feet in the air.  I guess he was trying to top him when he started climbing that cell phone tower.”

In fact, Russell had jumped the dog park fence and made his way to the top of a nearby scaffolded tower.  As Sampson made his way to catch another high flung frisbee, Russell leapt and attempted to snatch it from an even higher vantage point.  Though he did manage to catch the frisbee before Sampson, the height of his leap made for a fatal impact.



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