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pet obituaries

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Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.
Note for dumb people:  None of these animals actually died.  We just wrote their fake obituaries.  We don't hate
animals and we don't read stupid complaints. 

Elegant country club peacock done in by angry golfer’s club

Ocala, Florida:  For seven years, Benson the peacock roamed the grounds of the Marion Oaks country club golf course.  He could often be seen proudly strutting across the ninth fairway, or relaxing in a favorite bunker just off the putting green on hole number twelve.

Benson’s life of pomp and elegance came to an end, as golfer Gary Stocker’s rage got the best of him.  After slicing a tee shot into a lake, Gary screamed that he was giving up the game forever, and then threw his club violently skyward.  The club twirled end over end through the air, ultimately landing on Benson, and crushing his skull.

Benson survived a few similar incidents over the years.  He narrowly missed a putter thrown at him in the summer of 2002, and spent the summer of 2004 with a discarded golf tee wedged into his regal plumage. 

Gary Stocker has been banned from playing the course, and will be responsible for providing Marion Oaks with a new bird.  His Big Bertha driver was not returned to him, and will be used as a grave marker to display a memorial plaque above Benson’s final resting place, just off the 13th green.


William the tapeworm dead after being removed

Florence:  Kate Flynn spent a year of her life steadily losing weight thanks to a tapeworm in her intestinal tract which she named William.  After passing out at the dinner table, Kate’s family finally forced her to go to the doctor, resulting in measures to remove her beloved intestinal companion.

As the pounds melted away, Kate knew she was being helped along by something.  At first she gave credit to her guardian angel.  Soon, it became apparent via abdominal pain, weakness and bathroom issues that the credit belonged to a tapeworm.  Kate quickly came to love her new intestinal pet, and named him William.

“I just wish I had been a little more awake when he came out,” sobbed Kate.  “I just wanted the chance to say goodbye and thank him for his help and companionship.”

Kate has no plans for finding a new pet, but will not rule out the possibility.  “Maybe in a few months I’ll be ready, but right now even the thought of having another tapeworm breaks my heart.  I guess I’ll know when the time is right to go drink some Mexican tap water and start a new relationship.”


Mooshie the cat: Missing, presumed dead near Kong Sun Buffet

Jennifer Packer has given up hope for the return of her four year old cat, Mooshie. Mooshie was, by all accounts, a delightful pet. She enjoyed playing with little wads of paper, catnip, and roaming around the neighborhood.

One of Mooshie’s favorite spots to wander was through the alley that separates Jennifer’s apartment from the Kong Sun Chinese Buffet. She would look through the garbage for treats, and always enjoyed getting a friendly pat from members of the kitchen staff.

Jennifer talked about the plans for the memorial while sitting in a booth at the buffet that overlooks Mooshie’s favorite alley. “We’re going to gather some of her cat friends right here in the restaurant,” she explained. “You’d think the owners wouldn’t want to have a bunch of animals in the restaurant, but they were thrilled with the idea.”

“This place is really special,” Jennifer said, while taking bites of her lunch. “The people are nice, and the food is really, really good. It tastes quite exotic, yet very familiar at the same time.”




Sea Monkeys slaughtered en masse by disillusioned owner

CINCINNATI - Eleven year old Tyler Palmer is responsible for one of the largest mass pet killings in local history, after dumping his entire tank of sea monkeys into the toilet.  Three weeks earlier he'd given the tank a place of honor on the book shelf next to his baseball trophies, but the relationship took a rocky turn.

"When I saw the ad in my comic book, they were like all dancing around and wearing clothes and they had arms and they were waving and they looked like monkeys but underwater monkeys." explained an exasperated and jumpy Tyler. "But all I ended up with was a bunch of little things that just floated there and looked like boogers."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Sea Monkeys spokesperson Sandy Falwell was horrified by the news. "Every day, stories like this come across my desk, and it never gets any easier.  At least he gave them a water burial like a maritime creature deserves."


Bradley the gerbil dead in emergency room

MALIBU, CA - Actor Richard Gere announced the loss of his beloved gerbil this week. After a three hour procedure hospital personnel described as "harrowing", three-year-old gerbil, Bradley was pronounced dead.

Bradley lived the life of luxury in his three years, leaving behind a gold plated Habitrail and a water tube that was often filled with Evian.  He was always known for his curiosity in seeking out new places to hide, and for his dapper appearance, often sporting a long gold chain on his tail.

No further details are known about the circumstances of his death, but he will be sorely missed by his owner. 


Elegant purse puppy crushed on club dance floor

CINCINNATI - Rhonda Bargo's beloved companion named Parisette passed away after a night of intense dancing in the arms of her owner.  Rhonda named her Chihuahua after her hero, Paris Hilton, and took little Parisette with her everywhere emulating the young Hollywood socialite.

But the club scene proved to be too much for Parisette, as Rhonda took to the dance floor, bumping and grinding with various male suiters.  "I forgot she was in my purse. I heard a little squeak just as this hottie named Jacob was getting freaky on me during an Usher jam." explained the bereaved owner.

Carrying Parisette with her everywhere made Rhonda the center of attention, and often gained her entry into clubs via the VIP line.  The pair were regulars at many hot nightspots around town.

Rhonda plans on having Parisette cremated, and scattering her ashes on various dance floors and VIP booths.  Parisette's jeweled collar will be on display in a prominent place of memorial, likely the rearview mirror of Rhonda's 2003 Audi.


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