Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.
Note for dumb people: None of these animals actually died. We just wrote their fake obituaries. We don't hate
animals and we don't read stupid complaints.
Elegant country club peacock done in by angry golfer’s club
Ocala, Florida: For seven years, Benson the peacock roamed the grounds of the Marion Oaks country club golf course. He could often be seen proudly strutting across the ninth fairway, or relaxing in a favorite bunker just off the putting green on hole number twelve.
William the tapeworm dead after being removed
Florence: Kate Flynn spent a year of her life steadily losing weight thanks to a tapeworm in her intestinal tract which she named William. After passing out at the dinner table, Kate’s family finally forced her to go to the doctor, resulting in measures to remove her beloved intestinal companion.
Mooshie the cat: Missing, presumed dead near Kong Sun Buffet
Jennifer Packer has given up hope for the return of her four year old cat, Mooshie. Mooshie was, by all accounts, a delightful pet. She enjoyed playing with little wads of paper, catnip, and roaming around the neighborhood.
One of Mooshie’s favorite spots to wander was through the alley that separates Jennifer’s apartment from the Kong Sun Chinese Buffet. She would look through the garbage for treats, and always enjoyed getting a friendly pat from members of the kitchen staff.
Jennifer talked about the plans for the memorial while sitting in a booth at the buffet that overlooks Mooshie’s favorite alley. “We’re going to gather some of her cat friends right here in the restaurant,” she explained. “You’d think the owners wouldn’t want to have a bunch of animals in the restaurant, but they were thrilled with the idea.”
“This place is really special,” Jennifer said, while taking bites of her lunch. “The people are nice, and the food is really, really good. It tastes quite exotic, yet very familiar at the same time.”
Sea Monkeys slaughtered en masse by disillusioned owner
CINCINNATI - Eleven year old Tyler Palmer is responsible for one of the largest mass pet killings in local history, after dumping his entire tank of sea monkeys into the toilet. Three weeks earlier he'd given the tank a place of honor on the book shelf next to his baseball trophies, but the relationship took a rocky turn.
Bradley the gerbil dead in emergency room
MALIBU, CA - Actor Richard Gere announced the loss of his beloved gerbil this week. After a three hour procedure hospital personnel described as "harrowing", three-year-old gerbil, Bradley was pronounced dead.
Elegant purse puppy crushed on club dance floor
CINCINNATI - Rhonda Bargo's beloved companion named Parisette passed away after a night of intense dancing in the arms of her owner. Rhonda named her Chihuahua after her hero, Paris Hilton, and took little Parisette with her everywhere emulating the young Hollywood socialite.
The Infinity Ball and Howard Brothers Band
Pavilion's 13th Annual Halloween Masquerade