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pet obituaries

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Sad pet tragedies reported Wednesdays.
Note for dumb people:  None of these animals actually died.  We just wrote their fake obituaries.  We don't hate
animals and we don't read stupid complaints. 

Dog freezes to death unable to fit through undersized doggie door

Age 4

- Loyal companion Max had finally outgrown the doggie door installed several years ago in the Lewis family home when Max was a puppy.  After exiting through a different door earlier in the evening, Max was unable to fit through the doggie door later that night after the Lewis family had gone to sleep.  

Max withstood the subfreezing temperatures for several hours but finally succumbed to the frigid temperatures in the early morning hours.  On his way to work in the morning, Mr. Lewis found Max frozen solid in the back yard near the doggie door.  "He was standing on all fours like a perfect dog sculpture.  Unfortunately there were several areas on his torso where the edges of the doggie door scraped his fur off.  This looks like it was quite a struggle."

It was garbage day on the Lewis's street so Mr. Lewis picked up the frozen Max and set him beside the trash cans for pick up.  Unfortunately the Sanitation Department does not pick up dead animals with the regular trash so Max was still there when the Lewis family returned home later that day.  However, Max thawed considerably when the outside temperature climbed so the Lewis family moved Max from the street side and laid him to rest in the a back yard mulch pile.   


Schotzie died while watching election returns

St. Bernard,
Age 14 years

Loyal companion of former Reds owner Marge Schott, Schotzie passed away late Tuesday November 4, 2008 while watching election returns.  The Veterinarian said Schotzie went into cardiac shock around 9pm when Democratic candidate Barack Obama won the 287 electoral college votes required to win the Presidential election.

Understandably, Schotzie had adopted many of the political and social viewpoints of his former owner Marge Schott.  People close to Schotzie say deep down Schotzie knew his former owner would not have approved of Barack Obama becoming President. 

Schotzie was laid to rest in the Schott family cemetary along with several family heirlooms such as the authentic Nazi dog collar worn by Schotzie most of his life. 


Rooster meets match on I-75

Fighting Cock,
Age 2

Affectionately called Sugar by his owner/handler, Rey was an undefeated contender en route to a championship cockfight when the door on his cage swung open in the back of the pickup. Rey flew out of the truck bed onto 1-75 before meeting his demise during an ironic collision with a Tyson Chicken truck.

Sadly, owner/handler Jose could not stop to pay respects, aware that any accident report could lead to citizenship questions.


Fur envy at the root of hairless feline's suicide

Hairless Cat,
Age 7 years

Smiley was found face down in his water bowl last Friday evening. There were no signs of struggle and the pet examiner deemed it a suicide.

Owners Sherri and Terry, are not sure why Smiley ended his life but they noticed Smiley becoming increasingly depressed while recently admiring full-furred kittens on the pages of Cat Fancy Magazine. In lieu of flowers the family prefers donations be made to The Depressed Hairless Cats Fund.


Illicit lifestyle led to early death

Age 9 months

Princess was happiest when she was in front of the camera. Her owner, Cindy Forte of Paddock Hills, tried to get her on the cover of Cat Fancy Magazine. Unfortunately, bad management led Princess into the Kitty Porn industry, where she starred in the popular series of low budget films Kat Kalls 6-137.

When she aged out, Princess drowned her sorrows by gorging in canned tuna and cat nip.  Princess was found dead under strange circumstances involving a suspended harness, several mousetraps, and a large amount of cat nip. Foul play is suspected.


Bird's constant chatter leads to violence

Talking Parakeet
Age 11

Salty was killed by his owner Tim Sherlin who became annoyed by the bird's constant chattering. Prior to Salty's death Sherlin went to great lenths to quiet the noisy bird.  He tried remedies such as taping it's beak closed, placing a heavy tarp over the bird's cage, and feeding the bird low levels of bird tranquilizers.  None of these rememdies helped stop the constant chatter.

After hearing the expression, "Shut the hell up" countless times from Mr. Shirlin, Salty began repeating it continuously. The irony drove Mr. Sherlin into a fit of rage and he reached into the cage and pinched Salty's neck between his thumb and forefinger instantly killing the bird.

Salty is laid to rest in Mr. Sherlin's back yard with a small headstone that reads, "Shut the hell up."


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