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Pharmaceutical company steals crystal meth to manufacture Sudafed

WASHINGTON, PA - Unable to keep up with consumer demand during cold and flu season, McNeil Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Sudafed have begun systematically stealing crystal meth to acquire ingredients necessary for the production of cold medicine.  The company plans to continue the thefts for the foreseeable future.

Representatives from McNeil Pharmaceuticals routinely scour trailer parks and other white trash areas around the country in search of their next score.  Employees then steal the crystal meth and return it to their factory where the key component ephedrine is removed and used in the production of Sudafed cold medication.

“Crystal meth has become the number one source of ephedrine in the United States.” explained McFadden CEO Walter Golding.  “We started out just occasionally using crystal meth in our process more out of curiosity than anything.  But we quickly discovered, once you start using it in the manufacturing process, there’s no turning back.”

Initially, the company purchases the crystal meth instead of stealing it, but their many large purchases sent up red flags among crystal meth dealers.  “They started getting suspicious,” said Golding.  “One day a dope dealer said that he was suspicious that we were doing something else with the meth instead of using it to get high and he wouldn’t sell us anymore unless we had two forms of ID and brought a note from the trailer court manager.  We knew the gig was up, so we started stealing it.”