Sarah Palin gives away cars, books, and bastard children on Oprah
CHICAGO, IL - Moments into her appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, Sarah Palin stunned the audience with a show of generosity unmatched even by Oprah herself.
“Everyone look under your seats!” shouted the former Alaska governor. Audience members then emerged holding a copy of her new book, car keys, and various bastard children. As the cheers and gasps subsided, Palin commented, “You can thank me in 2012!”
Oprah Winfrey had no idea the giveaway was going to occur. “I was all set to give everyone a set of kitchen utensils,” she explained, “but it would’ve seemed rather silly after that.”
Palin explained that the book was courtesy of her publisher. The cars were all previously owned, although they were in very good condition despite having been confiscated by the state of Alaska after failing emissions tests. When asked where she obtained the bastard children, the former governor would only say, “Well, from Heaven, of course!”
“I can’t believe it!” exclaimed audience member Denise Selig, holding her newly acquired toddler. “I’m sure glad we decided to come here instead of Jerry Springer!”
As an added surprise, Sarah’s husband Todd Palin emerged from the green room and gave away several gold medal’s he won in snow machine driving competitions.
“I’m just glad I could make so many people happy,” continued Sarah. “I was going to give away guns, but I think that is illegal. Thanks to Comrade Obama. Oh, and anyone who wasn’t lucky enough to be in the audience, remember, there will be plenty more bastard children to come!”
- Bobby Brown lowers flags to half staff after running out of blow
- Stephen Hawking profoundly confused by hospital insurance forms
- Studio passes on Fifty Shades of Miley Cyrus movie
- Distraught citizens cope with loss of Derek Beasley through heartfelt poetry
- Bravo announces new show: “The Real Housewives of Ludlow Kentucky”
- Tristate watch for Rosemary Clooney unsuccessful