After Firemen and Coal Miners, CNN rolls out plans to upgrade more occupations to hero status
Following the September 11 tragedy, CNN and other major news organizations unofficially created heroes of all Firemen through melodramatic reporting and overly liberal use of the word 'hero'. Shortly thereafter, coal miners were upgraded to hero status in much the same way after the successful rescue of eleven trapped coal miners in Pennsylvania. On the heels of these gratuitous status upgrades, this week CNN announced a two-phase plan to for the upgrades of most other occupations. Phase I, to be completed in October, includes declaring heroes of Bartenders, Store Clerks, Factory Workers, Sanitation Workers. Phase two conversions planned for this winter will include teachers, social workers, Pharmacists, Engineers, and indoor pets. CNN officials deny the existence of a list of occupations which are banned from ever being elevated to hero status including Lawyers, CEO’s, celebrities, professional athletes, Plastic Surgeons, and Chiropractors. Local media officials plan to upgrade the status of Paula (the lady who sells Sunday papers on Hyde Park Square).
- Hospital staff unable to satisfy Bill Clinton’s relentless sponge bath requirements
- Barney Frank unable to concentrate during Brad Pitt visit to Capitol Hill
- U.N. Security Council deploys Charlie Sheen to consume all Syrian chemical weapons
- Japanese Air Force photo op at Pearl Harbor creates panic
- Donald Trump demands to see Bin Laden death certificate
- Bush offers to stick around during transition if necessary