Hospital staff unable to satisfy Bill Clinton’s relentless sponge bath requirements

CHAPPAQUA, NY - Former President Bill Clinton is now recovering at home after a brief time in the hospital where he received two heart stents and over a dozen sponge baths.  Clinton’s doctors recommended release so he could rest at home, and hospital staff concurred after being overwhelmed by his constant requests to be bathed.

The former President was admitted to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital after complaining of chest pains.  He requested and received his first of many sponge baths while filling out forms in the waiting room.  After making a request that all available nurse aides be lined up for his perusal, he named a few of the young ladies as “Presidential Cleanliness Advisors.”

Hospital staff did their best to keep up with his demands, but eventually were unable to fulfill Clinton’s desire for almost constant sponge bath attention. “We did what we could,” explained supervisor Leslie Fredrickson.  “But it eventually took its toll.  We had to object when he requested the nurses wear different outfits while bathing him. Where did he expect us to find a Little Bo Peep costume, anyway?  This is a hospital.”

In a statement, Clinton said that he is feeling much better, and complimented his care team on their professionalism and expertise. “I would like to thank the staff of Columbia for everything they did to aid in my recovery,” said Clinton.  “Especially the kinda chunky blonde with the heavenly soft fingers.”