Aging Greg Oden drafted, announces retirement
COLUMBUS, OH – Elderly former Ohio State basketball center Greg Oden announced his intention to enter the 2007 NBA draft and beat rival (NEED TEAM) Kevin Durant as the number one draft selection by the Boston Celtics. After donning his Celtics cap, taking an awkward photo with David Stern barely in frame, and signing his contract, Oden announced plans to retire from the NBA. In an emotional statement to the national sports media, Oden explained his advancing years make it increasingly difficult to sustain a high level of physical performance. Although Oden refused to reveal his actual age he did explain professional basketball is a young man’s game and best left to athletes in their prime. Oden commented, “I have truly cherished my time with the Celtics organization. From everything I’ve heard these are some of the nicest guys around and I hope to meet most of them some day. I wish the Celtics continued success without me. I believe it is now best for me to spend the extra leisure time in my golden years with my grandchildren.” Oden thanked his sponsors Gold Bond Medicated Powder and Centrum Silver for their support throughout his professional career. Reportedly Oden intends to begin collecting Social Security this year and plans to donate a portion of his income to several charities that serve the elderly. Other sources close to Oden say he has accepted an invitation to serve on the board of the American Association for Retired Persons (AARP).
- Ray Lewis spends time before Super Bowl shopping for getaway car
- Reds fans on pace to break MLB record for complaining about a first place manager
- Daytona 500 to feature first car sponsored by meth lab
- Millions protest in U.S. streets over treatment of NFL players
- Andy Dalton enjoying Sundays off to follow new season of Downton Abbey
- Manning-tron 3000 processor encounters critical failure during Super Bowl